Tuesday, October 2, 2018

You All Suck (Example #25 -- The New Puritans)

"Just an observation, but it is an indication of just how fucking crazy people are about sex these days that the two biggest "sex scandals" in America in the last decade -- Brett Kavanaugh and Anthony Weiner -- didn't involve any actual sex. At least Slick Willie got his Willie Slick. We're doomed." -- The Overlord

No one does a Sex Scandal like the British. Anything else is but a pale imitation. Primarily, I would suggest this is because the type of person usually caught up in a British Sex Scandal -- the button-down, stoic, Old-School-Upper-Class Twit who appears to have a stick up his ass -- makes it more interesting to the average person. More salacious, if you will. Perhaps it's watching the mighty fall, maybe it's the secret pleasure people get watching others trapped by their own hypocrisy, but all The Great British Sex Scandals could easily be Lifetime's Movie of the Week.

One wonders, could Alyssa Milano do an English accent? 

Lifetime is, after all, where Hollywood actresses go to circle the bowl before the eventual suicide. Hallmark Channel might be the intermediate step.

But, in any case, a rip-roaring British Sex Scandal usually has the sort of juice that makes even people who would normally not be interested in that sort of thing stand up and take notice.

When I think of some of the more-(in)famous BritSex ignominy -- The Profumo Affair, Jimmy Saville's Decades-Long pederasty, the Jellicoe/Lambston prostitute-a-palooza, The Rotheram "Grooming" Gangs, Prince Charles and Camilla -- they all have a certain...something...that makes them compelling and repellent at the same time.

Not so on this side of the pond.

No, here you get a President and his Presi-due -- left behind on a Blue Dress -- when we aren't talking about the Presi-bent (as in the geometric angles on display as we stand at attention when Hail to the Chief begins to play). You get things that are so degrading, so lacking in panache, so banal, it's a wonder anyone actually gives a shit.

Whereas the Brits usually have upper-echelon elegant chaps with poor teeth and earthy dolly birds with great big...you know...we instead get treated to something on the order of Al Gore dropping his towel to the overly-plump masseuse. Larry Craig tapping a man's foot under the stall at an airport bathroom. Actresses who apparently don't know how to use a door or run being assailed by a walrus in a bathrobe. Eliott Spitzer's socks. "Pronging" Porn "Stars". Any dumbass, bloated inebriate named "Kennedy". A fake reverend on TV crying, but still sitting on a pile of cash.

While the Brits (and Europeans in general) misbehave with style and panache, Americans seem stuck in the gutter. When our people get caught, the important details are seemingly insignificant; they revolve around trailer parks, rest stops, slovenly tarts, greasy deviants, batshit insanity, sordid phone calls or lewd e-mails, alternate uses for a cigar, or drugs.

At least in a British Sex scandal you can feel loathing for the guilty individuals, and yet, still find something about them to like or admire.

Not so here. We don't even get a good blackmail case, anymore.

And perhaps it is because of the sheer triviality of our "Scandal Stars" that our "Sex Scandals" largely turn out to be about anything OTHER than sex.

Christine Ford doesn't even allege that Brett Kavanaugh raped her. Even granting her Swiss-cheese-like memory the imprimatur of accuracy, she only claims he jumped on her and perhaps fondled her before she ran away.

Carlos Danger merely sent pictures of his junk hither and yon into the vast, inky depths and dark corners of the Cybersphere, and traded racy text messages (although some of them were with an underaged girl), but there's something about having to TYPE the words surrounding the act and, one assumes, throes of ecstasy ("Oh baby! Yes, that's it! Yes, yes, YES!!!!! OMG", I mean, who the fuck does that?) that sort of makes the whole thing...rather stupid.

So, naturally when we're dealing with the stupid, Americans make it political, and therefore, add some spice to what is otherwise rather weak soup.

That Kavanaugh may have been a drunken cad (show me a teenager who isn't?) isn't all that big a deal. A former drunken teenaged cad on the opposite side of the political spectrum suddenly becomes the Genghis Khan of Clumsy Advances. A dire threat to the entire universe whose youthful indiscretions are suddenly defining when it comes to this bloodsport, but the accuser's youthful indiscretions are to be ignored, altogether.

The cast of characters this has brought out of the woodwork is appalling.

There's Dr. Ford, who isn't a doctor, can't remember her own phone number, never made a complaint, and apparently couldn't find her own ass with both hands and a compass. On one of her GOOD days.

Another accuser who doesn't know shit, accuses everyone of being in a high-school rape gang whose parties she frequented while she was in college, recants, tells the same story again with different players, and turns out to be a psycho with a history of benefit fraud and baseless sexual harassment claims.

Lawyers who demand that their client be given due process, but everyone else go pound sand, even going to the extremes of dictating how an investigation should be performed, what witnesses should be interviewed, and how the U.S. Senate should jump through hoops, but who wouldn't initially produce their client, refuse to put her medical record which is supposedly the catalyst for all this, into evidence, and then tell her not answer questions from a Senator.

A whole shitload of TV morons who keep using the word "credibility" incorrectly and conflating it with "sincere". Christine Ford might very well be sincere -- the mentally ill often are -- but only evidence makes her credible, and she has none. Now they want to delve into the definition of the obviously-made-up word "Boofed", hoping to helpfully translate it for the Proles as "I raped the shit outta her, yessirrreee!".

The legions of dumbfucks who told us that Barack Obama's college grades and birth certificate and Hillary's e-mails are all a lot of nothing, but want to tear through Kavanaugh's high school yearbook and personal calendars. Someone's partisan slip is showing, methinks.

Hillary Clinton, Destroyer of Bimbos and REAL rape victims, comes forward to remind us that Ford "should be believed" as a "survivor" neglecting to remember that she gave no such consideration to Monica Lewinski, Paula Jones, Juanita Broadrick, et. al. If this is the new standard, then I accuse Hillary Clinton of being a terrorist who should be in an orange jumpsuit in Gitmo-- because I survived 9/11 -- and I don't need no stinkin' evidence.

Rabid Feminazis, ugly inside and out, screaming about sexual abuse, and not one of them would you attempt to bang with a stolen penis. This is probably why they're so angry: they wish Brett Kavanaugh would jump on them, since no one else ever wanted to. You'd have to be drunk to even think of doing so.

Diane Feinstein, who with every passing day increasingly looks like a Dick Tracy comic strip villain, she of the 20-year Chinese Spy on her payroll, furiously denying she's the one who sat on the only evidence anyone had of an allegation (a letter supposedly written by Ford, that she's "corrected" about 11 times by now), denying she leaked it to the press, and denying she's not responsible for this Circus of Fucktard, the entire time having the unmitigated gall to pretend she's serious about any of this.

The ambiguously-gay Lindsey Graham, who, remarkably, finally found his spine.

Kaamala Harris, screaming about sexual inequality and the "injustice" of it all, who is apparently unaware that she only came to prominence because she was once Willie Brown's Side Bitch, caterwauling about propriety and respecting women? Yeah, let's be serious.

Corey "Spartacus" Booker. If you didn't know it before, you know it for certain now: being Mayor of Newark, NJ was sort of like being Milk Monitor in kindergarten and apparently had many of the same qualifications. Except the other Milk Monitors probably didn't need Affirmative Action to move on to First Grade. In any other country on Earth Corey Booker would be wearing a uniform and holding doors open and hailing cabs for more important people.

We must be the only country on Earth that turns no sex into all sex, 24/7, and makes "superstars" out of the idiots involved.

What a fucking joke.

UPDATE: Fixed some spelling/grammar.

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