Joe Biden: The Interview...

 Imagine, if you will, your Overlord dudded out in his best suit; jackboots shined to mirror-like perfection, polished helmet glistening in the midday sun, long black cloak immaculately turned out. He arrives at the White House to speak to Darth Bidiot, the Sith Lord of Confusion...

The Scene: The Overlord is seated in a high-backed chair in one of the many rooms of the White House private residence. The day is beautiful: clear skies, the birds chirping, ANTIFA choking on clouds of tear gas outside. Maxine Waters has just finished vacuuming the room and departs, but not before shooting me the sort of glance that could curdle motor oil. She is obviously trying to choke me with the Dark Side of the Force, but fails miserably. Like that time she tried to compose a coherent sentence in English.

I had to remember: for all the comfort, dignity and serenity the place exudes, I was still in enemy territory, the very source of the Dark Side.

I do not have to wait very long for Darth Bidiot to arrive. He is escorted to the room by his ever-present disciples, Darth Psaki and his mate, the shriveled and pale Darth Fakedoctor. Bidiot asks the Imperial Stormtroopers...I mean National Guard... who trail behind where his pudding is, and they gently -- but firmly -- direct him through the proper door, just before he manages to enter one of the trash compactors in this fully-operational Death Star.

He stumbles slightly, tugs at his adult diaper which has apparently ridden up his ass crack, and needs to be directed to the proper chair, the one without wheels and guardrails, so that the interview can begin...

Overlord: Thank you for seeing me, Darth Bidiot.

Bidiot: Wha? Where?

Overlord: Over here, Darth. (snaps fingers twice) over here. 

Bidiot: Oh, hullo! 

Overlord: I'd like to begin by asking you some questions about the election....

Bidiot: No problems with that, anymore. Those little blue pills work wonders, Man. They make me dizzy, and maybe constipated, though.

Overlord: No, THE ELECTION.

Bidiot: Oh, that. We won fair and square, Buddy. I told everyone we had the best vote fraud operation ever seen, and by God, it was.

Overlord: So the election was stolen, after all?

Bidiot: Stolen? Listen you lying pony soldier, I said we had the best fraud operation ever seen and they were. People that good never leave any evidence behind. That's why I'm confident that...

(At this moment Darth Psaki leans over and whispers into Bidiot's ear).

...we did such a good job. Because only the very best vote fraud operation ever seen could do this and leave no evidence behind, and...

(Darth Psaki leans again, and whispers, obviously agitated).

...and a woman was in charge of it,

(Darth Psaki nods approvingly in agreement)

Overlord: Perhaps we should move on to something else. I'd like to discuss Iran, if I may...

Bidiot: That's one of my favorite songs! Ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-Iran! The Regents, 1961. Why, I remember when they recorded it like it was yesterday. I was there. They wanted to call it something else. But I looked them in the eyes with that steely gaze I've got, and picked up a lead pipe and a potato peeler and I told them "Hey, Man, if you want it to go down this way, I'll do it...don't make me do it....", and they changed the name right there.

That's when I knew that one day I'd be President.

Overlord: Iran...IRAN...the country.

Bidiot: Yes, the country. Racist place. Absolutely terrible. You can't even get a decent coffee in Portland, anymore, I hear...I remember when it was all white, and Joe Biden was there to write the legislation that kept it that way!

Overlord: We seem to have wandered off the reservation...

Bidiot: Yes, Reservations! I remember when I had to stare down the baddest dude in the Chippewa Nation. Spotted Dick was his name. He was all ready to rumble and stuff, but I brandished a chain saw  and dared him to come at me. He backed down, and the next thing you know, the little Red Buggers suddenly own every Dunkin' Donuts in Delaware. That's the American Dream, Man! You can't make this stuff up!

Overlord: Perhaps a not-so-serious question, then. An easy one. What do you say to those who liken you to Jeff Dunham's dummy, Walter?

Bidiot: Man, I remember when Nixon ordered the break-in at the Walter. I was busy plagiarizing Neal Kinnock and dodging the draft when I heard about it, and Man, it made me so mad I picked up my flamethrower and a piece of broken cobblestone and went right to the White House, knocked out 73 Secret Service agents and got right in Nixon's face.

I told him, "You can't do that sort of thing...this is a public pool, Man." and he was all like "shut up or I'll beat the snot out of you", and I was like, "Joe Biden passed the bill that made ladies underwear sexy again and if you don't resign I'll...mushgnbtion."

Overlord: What was that?

Bidiot: What was what? Did someone fart in here? *Sniffs the air* Okay, that was me. I don't remember eating that today...

(He shifts uncomfortably in his chair. It is obvious he has soiled himself).

It's your patriotic duty to do your patriotic doody. I did mine in my pants.

Overlord: I'll ask just one final question. Perhaps you can manage to answer it for me?

Bidiot: Hey, pal, I'll challenge you to do sit-ups right now. C'mon, Tough Guy, 100 sit-ups. You. Me. The Floor.

Overlord: But my question...

Bidiot: Ask the question then. I'm sure I have an index card in one of my pockets with multiple non-answers. Where's my teleprompter?

Overlord: During the campaign you denigrated the United States of America, noted everything you thought was wrong with it, and vowed "to fix it". The following day, you would then take credit for having been the guy who, for nearly 50 years in the Senate and White House, ultimately was responsible for all the good stuff....that you then claimed was broken. How do you square these contradictory positions?

Bidiot: Listen, Buster, Joe Biden was there when Franklin Jefferson wrote the Star Spangled Banner. The rockets? That was me.

 Joe Biden was there when Lincoln freed the slaves. I told him "Man, you gotta free the slaves, especially the good-looking, clean and articulate ones".

Joe Biden went over the top at Chateau Thierry and beat the Australian Army single-handed with a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it.

 Joe Biden was there when the Mongolians dropped the Atom Bomb on Pearl Harbor on D-Day and personally saved 900 guys when the Titanic exploded there.

Joe Biden was the driving force behind the Russian Revolution, he wrote the legislation that outlawed leaving girls' phone numbers on Men's Room walls in bowling alleys and ended one of those wars.

Joe Biden saved Apollo 13 with a butter knife and a handful of safety pins.

Joe Biden arrested Lee Harvey Oswald.

Barak Obama didn't take a dump without first consulting Good Ol' Joe Biden, Man.

Everything that was good about The United States of Antarctica was because of Joe Biden. If it was broken that was because of Joe Biden, too. Joe Biden was a world-bestriding colossus! If I ever see this Joe Biden bastard, I'll personally garrote the paper-hanging sonofabitch with my shoelace. Who is this Joe Biden guy, anyway? He sounds like an asshole.

Overlord: I think we're done here...