"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?" -- Steven Wright
"Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks in a mirror, he sees a monkey." -- Malcolm de Chazal
This planet is inhabited by masturbating, navel-gazing, self-absorbed, shit-flinging, fuckwitted, texting monkeys. Seven-and-a-half-billion of them, of which, some 300 million live within the borders of the United States of America.
You know, I spent many years in a therapist's office trying to figure out just what was "wrong" with me. I was seriously concerned that there was something fundamentally flawed in my make-up or character that made me different from the rest of the fucking monkeys. After all, they all seemed so happy; they seemed to be content with everything they had; they appeared to have everything they wanted and somehow managed to acquire stuff they didn't even need. Which looked like it made them even happier.
And yet, when I tried to imitate the fucking monkeys I saw all around me, I somehow managed to fail spectacularly and as a result become even more unhappy and discontented and frustrated. I began to harbor the idea that there was some mystical Secret To Life that I had failed to learn somewhere. Some secret ingredient missing from the formulas to both Success and Happiness and that having failed to identify that specific element, that I would be doomed to a lifetime of drudgery and joylessness.
One day, all of it's own accord, the revelation occurred.
Fucking Monkeys. Everyone else was a fucking monkey and I wasn't. There was no missing ingredient. In fact, there was one ingredient too many -- I knew how to think rationally. The rest were -- still are -- fucking monkeys.
My parents were fucking monkeys.
My siblings were fucking monkeys.
I went to school with an awful lot of fucking monkeys.
The people at work, even the ones capable of understanding complex engineering and mathematical problems, were still fucking monkeys.
Every anonymous face on the subway, at the checkout counter, at the bank, in the other cars on the expressway, every last one a fucking monkey.
But a special breed of fucking monkey, to be sure. Because this breed is unware that it is a fucking monkey. It believes that just because it wears clothes, goes to a job, and maybe has kids in college (these are the biggest fucking monkeys of all), and pays a gas or telephone bill just like I do, that it isn't still just a fucking monkey.
Because, you see, you can't judge a fucking monkey by it's appearance; it is the fucking monkey's ACTIONS that tell you all you need to know.
The reason I failed and was unhappy was because I planned everything I did. I made careful preparations and spent untold hours thinking of contingencies, alternate methods, and so forth. But I forgot a seemingly simple detail: no plan, no matter how flawless, no matter how exquisitely-detailed, survives contact with fucking monkeys, and often, successive ranks of fucking monkeys.
I learned and adapted. Since there was no way to fucking monkey-proof anything, it was better to ignore the fucking monkeys and just go about my business.
My quality of life improved dramatically.
And so it is that we come to America in the 21st Century.
The fucking monkeys, it would appear, have figured out that their sheer numbers give them the ability to fuck with all the functioning human beings and in so many different ways.
The exact date from whence the fucking monkeys began their long march to dominance is difficult to pin down, but a good starting point would be sometime in 1776, when a dumbass fucking monkey in a powdered wig (for in those days, even the fucking monkeys pretending to be human had stopped picking the lice out of each other's hair and eating them) decided to add a rhetorical flourish to a list of grievances and wrote the words "All Men Are Created Equal".
Of course, that fucking monkey didn't actually BELIEVE that, for he owned other fucking monkeys as slaves. But, hey, virtue signaling is not exactly a new phenomenon.
In any case, the American Experiment -- as it has been known -- that followed was a never-ending quest to give truth to the most obvious lie that all fucking monkeys are equal. Strictly speaking, this is not true: some are better at being fucking monkeys than the other fucking monkeys, and by "better" I mean they are fair sight WORSE given any objective examination of evidence and criteria.
As time has progressed we have learned that you can give a fucking monkey access to plentiful food, you can give a fucking monkey access the most-advanced scientific society, the very best healthcare that ever existed, legal rights and protections, a comfortable lifestyle with indoor plumbing, heating and cooling systems, private automobiles, good-paying (often productive) jobs, a world at relative peace, something that at least looks like education from a distance, the ability to craft the rules and regulations under which he lives, and television and internet access that entertains -- and sometimes even -- enlightens him.
And in the end, all you have is a richer, more-comfortable fucking monkey. Who has so much free time on his hands that the usual fucking monkey pastimes of alternately jerking off and fucking everything that moves and throwing feces no longer suffices to fill the empty hole in his empty fucking monkey heart. At the exact moment all of his fucking monkey needs are met at an at-least-minimum level, the fucking monkey needs something else to give his fucking monkey life meaning.
This is the part where the fucking monkey's actions mark him as a fucking monkey.
He's eventually no longer content to be a fucking monkey. The comfort and the free time and the sliver of mostly-useless education he's retained have all combined to give him some sort of stupid idea that he's much more than a just a tree-climbing, fruit-picking, screeching little fucktard.
Because he's still a fucking monkey, however, his fucking monkey goals are somewhat more-immediate, short-sighted, driven by a sense of instant gratification. The first thing he decides is what kind of fucking monkey he is, and, thank you!, the other fucking monkeys who've also made this primary (very-minor) evolutionary leap forward have worked this all out for him, so he doesn't have hurt his fucking monkey head with his fucking monkey thoughts, and given him a wide variety of choices.
Republican, democrat, gay, straight, member of an ethnic or racial or gender group, sometimes exclusively one, sometimes all of them together, libertarian (which is where the dumbest fucking monkeys still reside), Socialist/Communist (where all the dumbest and evilest monkeys all reside), religious believer, religious denier. He can choose to reinforce his new-found fucking monkey identity in a variety of ways: he can carefully censor his television-viewing habits and information-gathering methods, he can select courses in fucking monkey college which bolster his fucking monkey identity's point-of-view, he can choose to deny objective reality in favor of a fantasy world where he's the fucking monkey with the biggest cock (even the fucking monkeys that used to identify as female).
And then someone decided it was good idea to let the fucking monkeys vote, and worse, to make the process of choosing into a sometimes-years-long infomercial during which dueling bands of fucking monkeys -- not a single one of them actually understanding what the smarter fucking monkeys are talking about -- fling virtual shit at one another through the proxies of fucking monkeys named "Hannity" and "Maddow" and "Facebook".
Each step along the way, under the guise of careful and cerebral attempts at persuading the fucking monkeys by pretense to logic, reason, history, law and tradition, what is really being done is that the primal fucking monkey in every audience is being riled up, so that every four years we devolve into a for-certain absolute primitive state...
...just so you can watch FoxNews call a state 4 hours before the polls close.
And regardless of which way the Deluge of Fucking Monkey Bullshit Fucktard flows, the fucking monkeys are never happy. Their favorite fucking monkey -- the one who pretends to represent all the disparate fucking monkey constituencies and promises them all the fucking monkey fun they can handle, but then fails to deliver -- invariably loses. The screeching from the virtual jungle where all the fucking monkeys live reaches a fever pitch, as if 9 million cheetahs were suddenly detected lurking nearby.
And one band of fucking monkeys decides the fucking monkey that got elected is "not legitimate" despite winning by the rules and the other fucking monkeys wave a phony birth certificate in response, as the Elected Fucking Monkey calls the fucking monkeys who don't like his fake fucking monkey ass "racists" and "bitter clingers", and his would-be fucking-monkey-in-a-crusty-pantsuit-successor calls them "deplorables", as she steals everything that isn't nailed down while running a charity as a shakedown operation and leaking sensitive national security information like one of her discount adult diapers, as a bunch of other fucking monkeys who learned to read from a teleprompter try to convince you that this fucking monkey is somehow "the smartest fucking monkey in the world"....who somehow never figured out her fucking monkey nominal husband was playing Hide the Banana with a collection of skanky fucking monkeys right under her fucking nose.
Prior to this, we had an eight year odyssey wherein one bunch of fucking monkeys called the fucking monkey in charge a a fucking monkey, with all the non-winning-of-wars you could handle and "compassionate fucking monkey" you could stand before vomiting, before the left-handed fucking monkeys elevated a for-real, half-breed fucking monkey to the highest office in all of Fucking Monkey-land.
Hawaiian-Muslim-Half-White Fucking Monkey didn't do anything for eight years, except to call the other fucking monkeys names and fill in his NCAA Tournament brackets, while his fucking full-breed fucking monkey wife reinforced every negative stereotype about that sub-species of fucking monkey that fucking monkeys in white sheets had been pointing out for 200 years or so.
Then the previous bunch of loser fucking monkeys found their very own venal, Day-Glo fucking monkey, and it managed to win the quadrennial "Who's the Best Fucking Monkey?" (after defeating 16 other fucking monkeys who gave fucking monkeys a really bad name) contest, which makes the gang of previously-victorious fucking monkeys very angry, because it means they might have to go to work, so a bunch of unelected fucking monkeys given jobs by elected fucking monkeys decide this New Fucking Monkey has to be taken down, but because they're fucking monkeys they don't know how to do that without lying and breaking the law they've sworn to uphold.
In the meantime, allied groups of other fucking monkeys decide that since flinging poop wasn't a strong-enough indication of their now-chapped fucking monkey bottoms that "protest" in the form of riots, arson, assault, destruction of private and public property, the singling out of unpopular fucking monkeys for exclusion from all the functions of fucking monkey life, murder, rape, theft and general unpleasantness and gratuitous obnoxiousness is required to get their way, And since they are generally unproductive fucking monkeys who don't do anything of use or importance, they have nothing but free time to do so.
And then came the fucking monkey-killer flu, which ensured the opposing tribes of fucking monkeys had nothing to do, likewise, except watch the teleprompter-reading fucking monkeys on TV, who were already into their third or fourth year of campaigning in disguise for the formerly-powerful fucking monkeys.
Then came an event that gave the detestable fucking monkeys the martyr they needed to give their campaign of dumbass fucking monkey the kick into high gear, when a fucking monkey of a specific sub-species, high on fentanyl and committing the crimes of passing counterfeit money and resisting arrest, died in police custody. Suddenly the rioting fucking monkeys had achieved "legitimacy"...at least in the eyes of the fucking monkeys named "Maddow", "Stephanopolus", "Lemon", "Cooper", and others.
And those august fucking monkey personalities decreed the chaos and the violence were good, and necessary, in order to combat a greater evil known as the Orange Fucking Monkey and something called "White Monkey Privilege" in which they, as white fucking monkeys, explained how they were bad white fucking monkeys and how every other white fucking monkey should be punished for it...not them, of course.
The fucking monkeys on the receiving end of this projected just-desserts did not take kindly to to that sort of talk, and so they did what comes natural to fucking monkeys and began to differentiate themselves from the other fucking monkeys by claiming to be fucking monkey "Patriots". They listened to Rush, they bought coffee mugs from Levin and even followed some really horrid fucking monkey named Bongino over to a new cage on something called "Parler" -- where the other fucking monkeys of Conservative Fucking Monkey, Inc. freely hawk their fucking monkey, and boycotted the NFL, and generally did nothing useful or purposeful or effective. Which only made them angrier fucking monkeys.
They certainly failed to hold the fucking monkeys they sent to Washington, DC accountable, and when given the chance to elect a new breed of fucking monkey to replace the Old Guard of fucking monkeys they discovered that the pool of better fucking monkeys was limited to those fucking monkeys who looked good on TV and the ones who kept invoking Jesus. But, above all, they forgot their duty as fucking monkey citizens given their chance to express their fucking monkey wishes by failing to turn out in numbers to outnumber the fake and dead fucking monkey vote of the left-handed fucking monkeys. They then relied on the courts -- full of fucking monkeys -- and the stupid ideas that all fucking monkeys are possessed of a sense of fair play and righteousness and respect for the law to fix this problem, and ended up disappointed that it never happened.
In the meantime the Orange Fucking Monkey kept screaming victory, promising bombshell revelations about the other fucking monkeys, and to de-classify all the malfeasance of the cabal of fucking monkeys who attempted to fuck him over, and the result is still the same -- whether by hook or by crook an Elderly Fucking Monkey teamed with a fucking monkey with no Gag Reflex will occupy the White House in two weeks.
And in their despondency, the fucking monkeys had decided that the Golden Rule was now "Fucking Monkey See, Fucking Monkey Do" and repeated the asinine and useless bad behavior of the left-handed fucking monkeys they saw on TV, and so undermined their own fucking monkey moral authority and showed that, despite all the pretense to not being a fucking monkey, there were, indeed, still fucking monkeys.
Because two wrongs make a right.
Because fucking monkey.
That the explosion of fucking monkey -- call it a riot, an insurrection, an outpouring of patriotism, whatever your tiny fucking monkey brain needs to justify the unjustifiable, or vice-versa -- occurred in the nation's capital made it all the more worse.
And harkening back to the fucking monkey, Jefferson, who wrote "All Men are Created Equal", the events of this past four years has given us all pause to think that maybe that phrase needs a retooling:
For having engaged in a useless, stupid, and potentially catastrophic escapade that perfectly mirrors the fucking monkey of their opponents, for having acquired a martyr of fucking monkey of their own -- shot to death attempting to storm the Fucking Monkey's House -- and for leaving the same, rancid, bitter aftertaste in the mouths of the not-Fucking-Monkeys that the actions of their counterparts previously cultivated, it should now read:
"All Fucking Monkeys are Created Equal".
And in this particular case where the sense of equality was not strictly operative, the right-handed fucking monkeys did a masterful job of creating it out of thin air.
I'll tell you in a few days how we can fix this Tyranny of Fucking Monkey. My suggestions and solutions, however, will be aimed at the right-handed fucking monkeys, because the left-handed fucking monkeys have proven incapable of evolving -- after all, they call themselves "Progressives" and somehow still seem to be mentally mired in the past, and make the claim that the police shooting black men is a crime against humanity, but black men killing other black men by exponential factors is somehow no big deal...among other things.
You all fucking suck.