Douchebag of the Week (Week Ending 7/9/2022 -- Mitt Romney)

 "The worse a person is the less he feels it..." -- Seneca The Younger

If one were to look up the word "bland" in the dictionary, you might find a picture of Mitt Romney next to the definition.

If one were to imagine that "obsolete" had a face, it might look like Mitt Romney.

If one were to investigate the origin of the term "non-entity", Mitt's name might come up more than a few times.

There is no better indication of a man's decline -- in the moral, ethical, and practical senses -- than the following statements:

"Ann and I both extend our congratulations to President-elect Joe Biden and Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris. We know them both as people of good will and admirable character. We pray that God may bless them in the days and years ahead." (November 7, 2020)

"America is in denial. Too many Americans are blithely dismissing threats that could prove cataclysmic...President Joe Biden is a genuinely good man..." (July 4, 2022)

In between those two gems of delusion there are a spate of quotes that describe Joseph Robinette Biden as everything from a man of integrity to the best thing since penicillin, and I could be here all day reprinting slobbering love quotes from Romney all attesting to the character and all-around swell-ness of the man who once stood on a stage and accused Romney of wanting to reintroduce slavery, of being a misogynist, and of personally giving another human being cancer.

If Dingbat Joe is your BFF, Mitt, he certainly has a strange way of showing it.

The safest place on Planet Earth, it would be appear, is in Mitt Romney's face, insulting him. In the event of nuclear war, I intend to find the Senator and take cover under the shelter of his enormous lack of good sense.

And you, Mitt, will always have the singular distinction (one could make the argument that Hillary Clinton may be co-title holder) of having lost to two men who will forever occupy positions 1a and 1b on any future "Worst Presidents in American History" list.

In retrospect, the best quality of Barack Hussein Obama is that he at least showed no interest in doing the work that came with the job, and so the damage was limited to bloviation, race-hustling and going on taxpayer-funded vacation every other week.

In the case of the Delaware Dullwit, however, the fact that the man couldn't tie his own shoes, on a good day, has made him the perfect catspaw for a slew of destructive and incomprehensible policies and pronouncements that have begun the paving of the proverbial road to Hell.

If only...IF ONLY...you had managed to defeat perhaps the weakest candidate EVAH to run in 2012, Willard, we might have managed to dodge this particular runaway torpedo. You couldn't beat a Barack Obama saddled with a poor economy, the baggage that resulted from the ObamaCare fiasco, the apparent lack of enthusiasm for the job, the Mussolini-like venality and arrogance, and a track record of busted NCAA brackets, to achieve the highest office in the land, and all that idiot had to run on was that you were somehow worse?

Even with your own, Massachusetts brand of government-not-provided healthcare to your credit?

And that he had Usama bin Laden shot in the fucking face?

If only Dick Cheney had been around...

If anything, the presence of such ineffective people -- including yourself -- sitting in the US Senate is a glaring piece of evidence that perhaps the institution has outlived its usefulness. If we were to compile a roster of useless mouths that have, at one time or another, populated that moribund and creaking institution, the names "Romney" and "Biden" would top it, giving names like "Kennedy", "Graham", "Collins", "Clinton", "Schumer", "Obama", "McCain", Kerry" and "Dole" a run for their money in the "Who's the Biggest Asshole" category.

(I have deliberately left the name "McConnell off the list for a reason: Mitch somewhat redeemed himself by getting Supreme Court justices approved, and this new, reformed, majority court has at least begun the painful and long process of reigning in a run-amok federal government, if recent actions are any indication).

The World's Biggest Social Club (the US Senate) seems to produce idiots on an industrial scale. The sort of people who will spit in one another's eye today and then pledge undying friendship and fealty to one another the next. The sort of people who will defecate upon one another with each electoral cycle and then plead for "bi-partisanship" with more regularity than Joe is capable of.

(And, yes,  I mean "regularity" in the literal fecal sense. Joe Biden is so old and decrepit that he probably drinks Metamucil with every meal and is still full of shit).

Yes, Willard, you were right about Russia. That was no mean feat. Children in kindergarten beat you to that conclusion some time ago.

When The Atlantic is willing to run a piece you've written, rest assured, it is only because you have managed to perfectly echo the position of the left.

Congratulations: you have become the new McCain, the favored righty pet of the leftist media cesspit.

Good for fucking you. Enjoy it while you can: they'll turn on you -- again -- any day now.

Right down to the asinine assertion that supporting Ukraine in a war it cannot win is a good bet. That somehow standing up for Ukraine is a sign of protecting the "liberal world order" or whatever term of propaganda they've pinned to it his week.

The "liberal world order" is a euphemism for "rule by unelected, transnational bureaucrats", and if spending hundreds of billions of borrowed dollars (400 billion or so, to date, I think) just to see Ukrainians sacrifice themselves to blow up Russian tanks but still lose the war is "liberal" in any sense, while people here suffer from the effects of unnecessary lockdowns, a pandemic that was created in part by American doctors, the panic that followed, the electoral graft that placed your boyfriend on the throne, then maybe the "liberal world order" is just not worth preserving, is it?

But anything to continually remind us that you were right about the Russkies, huh?

That's what you're hanging your hat on? That and fealty to a man who slandered you in public?

Perhaps you have a stake in that "liberal world order" you haven't told us about, Willard?

Even accounting for tender Mormon sensibilities -- my mother also told me that if you didn't have anything nice to say about someone, you should shut up: it doesn't work -- and your revulsion at the brash-talking, get-it-done, loudmouth who followed Obama (what was his name again? Trump or something?) who proved that you can't bring a Bible to a gunfight and be successful (i.e. win an election), this curious affection for Joe Biden is astonishing.

But then again, Willard, you have always been something of one of those candies we used to enjoy as children, where the thin outer shell contains a soft, liquid center. It might be delicious for a few moments but eventually the candy shell melts and becomes a literal razor blade that cuts the inside of your mouth or tongue open just before the gooey mint oozes out and enters the wound. 

Talk about seeing stars?

But, my apologies, Gentle Readers, because that analogy (emphasis on "anal") falls below my usual standards in describing this relegated-to-the-back-bench-lone-voice-in-his-own-wilderness douche, so try this one on for size:

Mitt Romney is like a hemorrhoid: easily forgotten when it stays in it's place, infinitely irritating when it decides to make it's presence felt.

Not strong enough?

Mitt Romney is the perfect example of what happens when a man develops two faces and can't decide which one he wants to show to the world at any given moment.

Mitt Romney is to consistency what the contents of Joe Biden's adult diapers are to substance.

You can obviously insult Mitt Romney to his face, and still have the opportunity to explain it to him later.

I would call Mitt Romney "a pussy", but he lacks warmth and depth.

Mitt Romney is the black sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

Mitt Romney is the one pretzel in the bag the salt didn't stick to.

Here's to hoping that this expected "Red Wave" washes this idiot away, too.