A COVID Conversation I'd Like To Have...

Karen: Have you gotten your COVID shot yet?

Me: No, but I identify as a vaccinated person.

Karen: What does that mean?

Me: It means I am a vaccinated person trapped inside an unvaccinated body.

Karen: That doesn't make sense!

Me: Don't you deny my truth! That's oppression! This space is supposed to be free of vaccine-ism.

Karen: But that's crazy...There's no such thing as vaccine-ism.

Me: Yes there is. That attitude of yours is a manifestation of Vaccine Supremacy, in fact.

Karen: What do you mean?

Me: Please stop calling me "You". Please use my preferred pronoun.

Karen: What's that?

Me: I prefer to be called "Vaccinaro" or "Vaccinari". Unless I'm also identifying as female that day, in which case the acceptable pronouns are "Vaccinara" and "Vaccinaria". You are also required, because "safety" and "diversity", to suspend your version of objective reality to accept my subjective version. Otherwise, you're my enemy.

Karen: Those aren't even real words! How can I ignore reality?

Me: Where do you work?

Karen: Why do you want to know?

Me: Because you're not validating my lived experience and refusing to use my stated, preferred pronouns. This gives me the right to call your boss and have you fired, and if I can get three people on Twitter to agree with me that's the beginning of a lawsuit. I'll ruin you, you Science Denier!

Karen: What Science?

Me: The Science that says I can be a Vaccinaro trapped inside a Non-Vaccinaro body. We Vaccinaro are a hated and oppressed minority, having to share the world with you filthy, elitist, colonialist Vaccinated. If I get 10 more likes on my Instagram and enough Chinese grant money the medical profession will put a page in the DSM-V just for us and the government will have to give us all sorts of benefits you oppressive Vaccinated can't have because Equity.

Karen: That has nothing to do with Science. Or Vaccinations.

Me: You're dangerously close to me gathering the other Vaccinari together to have a peaceful protest with bricks and Molotovs on your front lawn, Karen.

Karen: I'll just call the cops.

Me: You can't...you had them defunded.

Karen: All I asked is if you're vaccinated! Do we really have to have this argument?

Me: The question was offensive.

Karen: How was it offensive?

Me: See? You don't even know! Unconscious bias, that is! I swear I...just...can't...even...

Karen: I didn't mean to offend you. All I did was ask a question.

Me: You have no right to question me! I'm an oppressed minority. What's next? You going to gun me down in the street?

Karen: I wouldn't do that! I hate guns.

Me: So, you're a Gun-o-phobe, too? I love guns, so if you hate them then you must have a mental disorder called a "phobia". Everyone knows that. Anything I like that you hate indicates you're insane and a hater. Don't yuck my yum, Fash.

Karen: Fash?

Me: Fascist.

Karen; I just wanted to know if it was safe to be around you...erm...I mean Vaccinaro...I don't want to get sick.

Me: Oh, so only people who haven't had the shot can spread COVID? We're all diseased, is that what you're saying? Your biases are showing! You're a bigot! You FASCIST!

Karen: I am NOT a Fascist! 

Me: Yes you are! You said only Vaccinari can give you COVID. You can catch it off a lamppost or a public toilet seat, you know.

Karen: No you can't!

Me: Yes you can! Dr. Fauci said so on MSNBC and he and they always tell the truth. Until either of them changes their minds without warning in which case whatever they say today that contradicts whatever they said yesterday is now the truth, and again, you are obliged to believe it because shut up.

Karen: I will not shut up. I have the right of Free Speech.

Me: I have unilaterally declared that your words are violence, Hate Speech, in fact, therefore,  I have also unilaterally decided you cannot have Free Speech. Only oppressed Vaccinari can have Free Speech, because of the Legacy of COVID.

Karen: You're out of your mind; do you know that?

Me: Now you know how it feels, Snowflake.