Thursday, August 24, 2017

A Warning From Your Galactic Overlord

Dear Dumbass,

I know there's one of you turd-eating little Snowflakes out there who is trying desperately to burrow through all the dark spaces of the Intertoobies in an attempt to hack me, "out" me, make my life miserable, whatever. Listen carefully, my Child, because I shall only say this once.

You WILL cease and desist, immediately. I mean it.

The attempt to obtain personal information, even from public sources, with ill-intent is a crime. It's one I certainly take very seriously, and you should, too. For the consequences of your actions go far beyond mere criminal prosecution, a fine, or perhaps jail time -- which you might consider something along the lines of a safari for the Social Justice Warrior, complete with all the forced anal sex you can handle -- for you need to know a thing or two about your Galactic Master that should give you pause.

You see, I've been in the field of technology for some 33 years. I began as a mainframe operator and worked my way up to systems automation programmer. Never spent a day in a college classroom: I learned by doing, which should also give you some indication of the astounding level of intellect you're up against.  As a manager for a couple of Fortune10's (not hundreds, like single-fucking-digits, Son), I was routinely responsible for billions of dollars worth of hardware and software, ensuring communications among a variety of international locations and data centers, exchanges, and branch offices.

My crowning achievement in IT was to develop (with 3 others) an automated, high-speed securities trading system which is now an industry standard.

I am an expert in very large, very complex systems, and your internet-connection-in-Mommy's-basement doesn't even qualify. The internet, my little Nose-picker, might be all scary and impressive to you, but it is like Tinker Toys to me.

You are in a fight that you simply cannot win.

I know who you are, already. I actually knew almost as soon as you made your first inquiry. I know where you live. Seriously...I have the actual street address, not just the IP thingy. In fact, I've sent you a little something this morning to prove it. No need to thank me.

Two can play at this game. And I happen to play it better. In all of about 24 seconds this morning, I was also able to find out the following about you:

I also know your employer (incidentally, I'd like to call him and tell him that giving you the $15/hr you want would be a waste of money, seeing as how you'll only spend it on marijuana).

Where you went/go to school.

Just for shits and giggles, seeing as how my background is financial industry IT, I took a look at your credit score. A few more clicks and I can have much, much more (and legally, too!). You seriously need to find a better-paying job, and stop spending your money on pot and designer urban guerrillawear. Seriously, still buying skateboards at your age?

Perhaps these are the reasons why you don't have a better job?

That and the awful neck tat.

Sixty seconds later, I managed this:

Three moving violations in two years? How naughty of you.

Your auto insurance bill is past due.

Your credit card information was stolen, in case you didn't know. Probably someone with an RFID reader. Fortunately for you, you have no money to steal.

I have your home and cell numbers. Even the ones you don't use anymore.

In the 3 or so hours I've been awake this morning, I've also discovered these (all publicly available):

I know your alternate e-mail addresses. All four of them. I know the five (and counting) aliases you use /have used to spam, troll, and otherwise make a nuisance of yourself on the 'net.

You own an awful lot of Apple products. It's hard to present yourself to the world as an anti-corporation freedom fighter when one of the biggest corporations in history apparently has you by the short and curlies. But it was Mommy and Daddy's money, I reckon, so that's like free to you.

One of your parents has a criminal background you might not be aware of.

Incidentally, you really should be more circumspect about the pictures you post to Instagram, and let me just say that if your mother knew what your search history looks like, she'd disown you. She seems like such a lovely lady, to judge from her social media profiles, it's difficult to believe you sprang from her vagina. smoke THAT much marijuana, do you, Kiddo?

Had I not gotten bored by the exercise, who knows what else I could have found?

Fortunately for you, I'm not the type of malicious prick who would use this information for truly terrible -- and illegal -- ends.

The Overlord may be all sorts of things, Crybully, but he's always been ethical, at least, and law-abiding at all times.

Don't embrace the Dark Side, My Little Snowflake would-be cyber terrorist. There is nothing good for you that will ever come of it.

This is your last chance to knock it off before I crush you like the sniveling little flea you are.

P.S. I know who your friends are, too.

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