Saturday, April 22, 2017

You All Suck (Exhibit #2)

Q: Why do we all suck?

A: Because there's always one of you who ruins it for everyone else.

I have been asked that question several times now. "Why would you write something like this? Don't you think people might be offended?"

Because I want to. As for giving offense, I don't remember it being engraved in stone somewhere that everyone had the right to go through life unoffended.

Certainly, no one worries about offending me. I can't remember a single instance in my entire life where someone said to me "I'm sorry, I did not mean to offend you", or "I'm sorry that you're offended", and even when someone says, as an aside to some particularly rude remark they've made in passing, "No offense", you know they really don't mean it. It's simply another way of saying "Fuck you, I'm speaking. Don't interrupt me" most times.

Because most people have a passionate love affair with the the sound of their own voice, even when they're spewing complete and utter bullshit.

But, this isn't really about giving or taking offense; it's about why you all suck.

Let's clarify a bit here; everyone sucks, sometimes. Some suck less than others, some, it appears, were born to suck, for they have such an incredible talent for it that if sucking were an Olympic sport, they'd be the Michael Phelps of Suckitude.

And then there are those who view sucking as a sort of hobby. These are the most dangerous idiots of all, for they have taken it upon themselves to ensure that all of the joy gets sucked out of life. They see it as their life's mission to ensure that Common Sense is always buried under an avalanche of insanity, they strive to make certain that if someone is having fun someplace, that they put an immediate end to that shit right this very minute.

Then there are those, a sub-species of the same genus of idiot, who believe that sucking is their God-given right, that they have been mystically granted the power to pop everyone else's balloon, and worse, there's an even sub-er sub-species who goes about balloon-popping out of pure spite, for they see your balloon as a symbol of their oppression.

These are people with no decency, with no sense of humor, with no moral compass, completely lacking in empathy and sympathy, and devoid of intelligence. They exist simply to make our lives a living hell. The are of less use to society than fleas are to a dog.

Unfortunately, in these troubled times, that sort has become as common as distended bellies at an Ethiopian bar-b-que. I wonder: can one bar-b-que flies? I'm sure there's someone who just took offense at that line, and is currently writhing on the floor in apoplectic fury.

And I haven't even mentioned those who it appears have jobs that are specifically designed to make the mundane-and-routine tasks of modern life an ordeal by fire (oh, wait, I just did).

This is why we can't have nice things.

I would say that sort has always been with us, and that they haven't so much proliferated in recent years as they have been encouraged to crawl out from under their rocks.

Here's some graphic examples:

* A certain portion of the population cannot accept that an election took place, and that their criminal Messiah in a crusty, black, plus-sized pantsuit lost. So, they riot in the streets. When rioting in the streets in vagina hats (yeah, that makes me want to take you seriously) doesn't work, they invent conspiracy theories about foreign influence (conveniently forgetting that a certain foreign financier most likely funds their "movement"). And when even that fails, they speak of impeachment (for what? winning?), vow not to comply with the law making civil society impossible, they smear, they attack, they vilify, they spread outrageous lies, based on the faulty premise that if they can't have their way, then no one else will, either.

* A certain portion of the population, professing a deep and abiding love of the First Amendment, prevents people from speaking in violation of that which they claim to hold in reverence. They stand "on principle", they say, the principle being "if what you have to say offends me, I disagree with it, or I can use it as an excuse to continue my tantrum, then it's "Hate Speech", not "Free Speech".

"I disagree with what you say", said a famous man, once, "but I will defend to the death your right to say it".

These squealing little tyrants have turned that into:

" I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death my right not to have to listen to you say it...why are you still here?" *

* A certain segment of the population believes that hopping a fence, or wading across a river in the dead of night, or trekking through the desert without papers -- when they have not been asked to come, have not been invited, and are not wanted --  entitles them to jobs, welfare benefits, free education and welfare, to vote, to commit crimes with impunity, and for all intents and purposes, invite themselves into your home, raid your refrigerator, take a few bucks from your wallet, and plop themselves down on your couch, feet on the coffee table, and to commandeer the TV remote. Should you disagree, you are a heartless, hating, hater lacking in heart.

* Yet another segment of the population believes it's entitled to everything at someone else's expense by virtue of the simple fact that they are too dumb, too lazy, and too irresponsible, to make an effort to earn rather than to steal or demand. And just in case you didn't hear them the first time they told you they're entitled to everything that's your's, wait five minutes and some con man in a cassock will be along to tell you all over again, and if you're lucky, it'll rhyme this time. Because if there's anything that is a sure-fire war-winning weapon, it's a nonsensical recitation of complete dogsqueeze delivered by a fake Reverend in Iambic Pentameter with an exaggerated ghetto or Southern accent, or some shit.

* And finally, we come to those who make sucking a full-time job, often an entire career. It's the well-meaning-but-batshit-insane skinny bitch you wouldn't fuck with someone else's dick who wants to tell you about the evils of sugar and red meat. There's the navel-gazing, professional rubber-stamper (she had to pass a test to get that job, don't you know!) who will give you the wrong information at the DMV, or IRS hotline, or who's job description at the Department of Losing Very Important Paperwork requires her to staple each form twice, and then promptly misfile it it between her 11:45 coffee break and 12:00 lunch hour, screwing you and getting her promoted, in the process.

There's the crusading "lawyer" (trained douchebag) who has to stick his fingers in every pie, for causing trouble and then extracting fees for it is how he learns his living -- perhaps the worst bottom feeder Nature ever created. He's into everything, often for no good reason except to suck at the body politic and the economy just a little bit more, like a dipsomaniac mosquito: your swimming pool annoys a neighbor? -- get sued! You didn't get a job? -- sue someone! Can't decide which of your mental disorders to express or act upon in a public restroom? -- Sue someone! Men/Women/Walruses/Wombats find you unattractive and don't wish to associate with you in the office? -- Sue someone! Men/Women/Walruses/Wombats find you too attractive? -- Sue someone!

And naturally, the more insane the complaint, the more the lawyer likes it.

This list goes on: the NGO do-gooder who implores you to "feed the children" while wearing a Rolex; the tree-hugging turd-sniffer who cries loud enough about endangered sand fleas so that your state flushes perfectly good water out to sea in the midst of a drought; the doctor who publishes an "impactful study" that turns out to be a load of bullshit a week later, but killed 5,000 people with it's recommendations in the meantime; The Religious Doofus who claims God loves us all -- except you, you fag; The Religious Doofus who claims God told them to blow themselves up; the total dick who keeps pushing organic food under your nose, but hasn't scraped the manure from under his fingernails; the feminist who fails at everything, despite being told she can do everything, and has to punish men for it; assholes of a thousand stripes motivated by no more than crass selfishness, or who get a petty thrill by fucking you over -- your comfort makes them uncomfortable, just because, and a spiteful little act of revenge is the cure.

Now, I have a solution to these problems, only I might be tried for Crimes Against Humanity afterwards. Humanity could use a few more crimes against it, Sez Me. Suffice to say, it involves a carefully-planned program of street executions, hangings, forced sterilizations with rusty farm implements, a whole lot of retroactive abortions, and mass gassing the people who aren't in the "crushed under heavy stones" or "staked to an anthill and covered in honey" categories.

And then we release the vultures. Because we're environmentally-friendly here on My Planet, and we believe in recycling when it makes sense to do so.

Unfortunately, we're not allowed to kill those who suck, and until now we've had to tolerate the intolerant bastards in the name of tolerance. Or some bullshit like that.

However, they've gone and sucked all the joy, all the majesty, all the color and vibrancy out of life, and turned this world into a virtual toilet clogged with whining, mincing, pants-wetting, titty-twisted, scrotal-torqued, mewling, disgusting, caterwauling, lumps of protoplasm, all wailing about how "special" they are, and how their special-ness entitles them to shit allover you, the person who just wants to go through life quietly and unbothered.

Well, the Plumber has arrived. And I intend to flush the shit out of your metaphoric house and keep your pipes, drains, and toilets unclogged and sweet-smelling forever.

The first step is to identify The Suckers.

That's why I do this, and that's why it's called what it's called. Deal.

We clear?

* thanks to Mr. Mark Steyn for that little bit of wonderful wordplay. Visit him at

"You All Suck" is a Featured essay which highlights the incredible stupidity of the Human Race. Stay tuned for future installments.


Popular Front said...

Great rant and oh-so-true. If there is one thing that really pisses me off it is the professional Offense Takers. They moan, bitch, carp and whine about EVERYTHING! It must really suck to be one of them. We have an expression down here in Australia (greetings from!), "You'd whinge if your arse was on fire". Well obviously you would but the meaning is clear - quit bitching, it's tiresome.

Anonymous said...

Finally! Someone who's a bigger smartass than me.