"Hubris is one of the great renewable resources...." -- PJ O'Rourke
And so it is that amid great fanfare, a great deal of manure shoveling, obvious spin doctoring, and outright mendacity, the scabrous personage that calls itself the governor of New York has announced -- through his lawyers, the fucking coward -- that he will resign "within two weeks".
Be wary of anything Andrew Cuomo promises within two weeks. Eighteen months later we're still trying to flatten non-existent curves related to purely fantastical bureaucratic metrics that somehow involved a loss of personal and civil liberties.
The "two weeks" promise is the Cuomo Curse.
I can almost guarantee that within those 14 days, this pathetic dickbag will find some reason as to why he should remain governor.
The process of a "comeback" has already started with this afternoon's press conference.
His lawyer/spokesdouche, a thoroughly unattractive and apparent fabricating prevaricator has already laid out the grounds upon which Andrew The Martyr has been done wrong. And if he's been done wrong, bet your next booster shot he'll use the slightest pretext of unfair treatment to continue to "fight" to keep hanging by his fingernails to a job he never should have had to begin with.
You see, Handy Andy is "a victim" of...well, just about everything.
He's the victim of a political witch hunt.
He's the victim of a marginal political candidate seeking to raise her profile.
He's the victim of renegade prosecutors.
He's the victim of the media...which is funny, considering the media was only showering him with praise and (figurative) blowjobs, and gave him a fucking Emmy not too long ago.
He's the victim of bad publicity.
He's the victim of jealous fellow pols who want his job, or of others who don't want him to be able to run for President, one day.
He's the victim of a conspiracy of women who didn't get ahead (by not giving any, he left unsaid?).
He'll never get a fair shake, you see. He'll never have a chance to defend himself and his sainted reputation in the public eye.
Don't believe a word of it. He doesn't deserve to be believed, in any case. The man has more excuses than Obama had unmasked birthday guests, they smell just as bad, and if you hold them up to the light you can see through right through them, just like you can with Joe Biden's ears.
This fucking cockroach is meat. He knows it.
But he's also stupid, arrogant, self-absorbed, conceited, and audacious to believe he can duke this one out and still somehow win.
Bill Clinton could get away with that.
But then again, Bill Clinton at least can con you into liking him, or thinking him a regular joe.
Andrew Cuomo, on the other hand, could tie a pair of ribeye steaks around his neck and your dog wouldn't play with him.
Andrew Cuomo is not likable. He has no redeeming qualities. You don't even get a sense that the man is even human.
And as far as "sexual scandals" go, this one is pretty tame. The details are tawdry and give the impression of a clumsy idiot, blinded by the fog of his own self-created stardom and under the strange impression that "iguana-on-laxatives" is an attractive look. He's sneaky; he has a simple M.O. of pretending it's all for the cameras or because he's full of a natural bon hommie; it has all the hallmarks of the loser who sat in the bushes at the Lover's Lane and masturbated while watching his friends make out in their cars.
By comparison, Anthony Weiner went on a multi-state rape spree.
Cuomo's a simple opportunist, who contrives his opportunities to catch his victims unawares, and then he does...well, not much of anything. An ass-grab here; a boob grab there; stroking a back everywhere. It's pathetic. It's the hallmark of the tentative teenaged boy who sweats "Should I make the move? Should I not make the move?" and in the indecision and the pressure of the moment, settles for a butterfingered half-feel-up and then probably runs to the bathroom to rub one out.
He was probably that guy who always walks into the bar near closing time, just to take advantage of the drunken dregs.
And those descriptions pretty much sum up all of Andrew Cuomo's career in public life, too.
Vacillation versus Narcissism; Dumbfuck versus Snottiness; Petulance versus Effectiveness; Pride and Ego versus 15,000 (and possibly more) dead senior citizens.
And they gave him an Emmy...
Maybe it should have been an Enema...
I'll be glad to see Cuomo go. He's not even on my "Ten-Billion Favorite People" list, so I shall miss him not. It's also about time that someone -- anyone -- in a position of authority in the country was held accountable for any of the despicable shit they all do on a daily basis.
It remains to see if Randy Andy ever sees a judge and jury, but one can hope.
But as an aside, one has to wonder why THIS particular crime is the one that finally does this pernicious abomination in. Of course, the answer is "politics', but apparently, grabbing an ass or two or fondling a tit is somehow a crime against humanity, and ordering infected people into nursing homes to infect and kill others is not.
One might take the (pending) destruction of Andrew Cuomo as a sign that perhaps sanity is returning to our world, that a sense of justice that everyone screams about but which is hardly apparent, is making a comeback.
But I wouldn't hold my breath.
UPDATE: It would be apparent that I turned my television off too soon, for the piece of shit DID address the cameras, but only to tell you that when he kisses someone who doesn't want to be kissed, pats someone on the ass who doesn't want an ass pat, or gropes someone who doesn't wish to be groped, he's just saying "I see you", and he's "being nice", and he just may have been "too aggressive" and "deeply, deeply apologizes".
To make matters worse, this scum-sucking douchebag trots his three daughters out into the spotlight to tell you all how Daddy is just a very emotional, touchy-feely guy, and no unexpected threat to any woman's intimate parts.
I shudder to think how "aggressive" or "nice" he's gotten with them. That's an insinuation that I have no proof for, and frankly, I'm even disgusting myself by bringing it up, but you have to wonder.
The guy is an "ambush abuser" who gets you when you least expect it, and when you're not in a position -- like in front of cameras, in a crowd of people, behind closed doors with no witnesses -- to make too much of a public fuss about it.
That's not a "nice-but-aggressive" teddy bear; that's a calculating molester, if you ask me.