"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." -- Eric Severeid
"You're so NEGATIVE!".
I hear that a lot.
"Don't you EVER have anything positive to say about anything?"
I get a lot of that, too.
Truth be told, The Master of the Universe is a generally positive guy in private life. I have much to be positive about, in that regard. People tell me this all the time, too, what with my White Privilege and lofty position within the Patriarchy, my ability to rape and steal with impunity and across generations from the remotest past to the most-unimaginable distant future.
That's when my subconscious Microaggressions permit me to be an unbridled sexist/racist/homophobe/Nazi hater, in my spare time.
Because being a 1-percenter White Devil opens all sorts of doors for me, protects me from my just desserts, and permits me to live off the sweat of other's brows, while living a life of leisure, surrounded by all the people I exploit by just being alive, while my disgusting carbon footprint kills Noble Savages with animal bones stuck through their noses on five continents.
My, why I should be negative and dismissive of others' opinions thoughts, politics, worries, and feelings is a complete mystery!
But, today, and for today only, The Overlord shall offer a beneficence to the downtrodden and underclassed -- or is that undertrodden and downclassed? -- and do something POSITIVE for a change.
He will offer useful advice to those who need it.
And because I also hear a lot of "I agree with what you say, but all the cursing and the vicious frankness makes you wrong", I shall do so without four-letter invective. It's okay: I know invective with more letters in it, anyway.
We begin with an apologia.
I must apologize to three women who, over the years, I have taken very large chunks out of. Two are former First Ladies (and only because they have very large chunks around the hips and buttocks to spare) and the other because her handicap(s) make her a helpless target, so that singling her out and picking on her is sort of like playing Whack-a-Mole with someone in a vegetative state.
a) they don't know they're playing and b) since their motor functions are basically in "Park"and they can't move, they can't really dodge very well. So, it's not very fair.
First, I would like to apologize to Michelle Obama. Reading synopses and reviews of your latest excretion...err..I mean "book"...I now have a greater appreciation of what it must have been like to be YOU. The trials and tribulations of the Ivy League where they expected you to be smart; the law racket where they expected you to be effective; politics, where they expected you to be a mere figurehead, a symbol of overcoming racist oppression and sexist condescension, and not...you know...intelligent, useful or diplomatic. It must have been a TERRIBLE burden, what with the Affirmative Action, the political connections that resulted in highly-paid sinecures, and the culmination of the tale in your field-slave-to-house-slave-with-access-to-the-man-with-The-Button experience, only to discover that you were none of these things. It must have been a daily torture of unmitigated offensiveness that you lived in the White House. Obviously, none of this is your own fault and if you're bitter and resentful, running the gamut from "This is the first time I've ever been proud of my country" to "When I became First Lady, people didn't know what a black woman looked and sounded like", I can understand.
The underprivileged nature of it all.
Now that the gravy train of getting things you don't deserve on the basis of your race, gender and political connections (bribery) is gone, your husband's influence having run it's course, you're still angry. Obviously, we've all failed you.
Next, I would like to apologize to Hillary Clinton. I thought your public humiliations at the hands of your horndog (nominal) husband were the harshest punishments any person should ever be expected to endure, but I was wrong. There was more public ignominy to come, and had I only known what Karma had in store for you, I might have been a bit more reticent in nearly two decades of remarks on your obvious limitations. Had I the ability to foresee (sometimes, The Force goes on the fritz) what was down the pike -- the loss to a man you called "incompetent" and "unqualified" (Barack Obama), and then having to take a job from him; a second loss to a man you called "incompetent, unqualified, corrupt AND sexist" (Donald Trump), must have really stung. The aborted party at the Jacob Javits Center, obviously chosen because of it's symbolic Glass Ceiling ( I can imagine the speech: what a disappointment that must have been not to have the self-serving opportunity to give it!), the books no one bought, the specter of criminal investigations that continue to haunt you, having to go on an Excuses Tour, and now, the playing to arenas and halls so empty that you and Bill have to offer group rates through Groupon, the blood of the dead of Benghazi on whatever passes for your conscience, must all be so much more mortifying.
And, like Mrs. Obama, now that your husband's influence has, likewise, waned, and your thirty-year quest to finally take what was rightfully your's (after all, you rigged the election to make sure it was your's. But apparently someone hid the entire state of Wisconsin from you at the last minute), must be painful. Even the Overlord's heart of stone feels a momentary pang for your plight.
Finally, a heartfelt apology to Alexandria Ocascio-Cortez, one of my favorite targets, as of late.
I sincerely hope you can forgive me for doubting your intelligence. I know, it's difficult when genetics didn't play fair and left you several fries short of a Happy Meal, when the suburban educational establishment who was more interested in your unusual racial (for Westchester) background as juxtaposed against the Lilly-White scenery of one of the richest counties in all of America than in teaching you anything of value. Likewise, the academic establishment at Boston University that handed you a $280,000 diploma and then sent you out to tend bar. It's not your fault that your parent's DNA was heavily impregnated with defects that manifest in low IQ.
But, the Overlord is about to make amends, for he has some useful advice for you ladies.
I realize it must really suck to be that self-absorbed, only to one day discover that you're really not that interesting, after all. Someone must pay! Alexandria, Darling, you haven't gotten to that point yet, but you will; all you need is another 29 or so years of a monomaniacal life obsessed with attaining power so that you an punish others for your vag or skin color that leaves no room for self-reflection until it's all over.
But, here's my advice. Consider it my Christmas gift to you all:
Do something useful with whatever time you have left. You gave it a good try in the Political Realm, and failed (Alexandria has failed before she's even started, which must be embarrassing beyond belief, and so she gets an extra dollop of compassion here). For you all, I reckon "useful" would be defined as any activity that allows you to be introspective, to engage in a truly honest reflection so as to learn the errors of your ways, to understand just why you seem to garner such visceral approbation from a public you've only ever asked for undying obedience, a willing suspension of Physical and Objective Reality, worship, loyalty detached from responsibility, and selective memory. Said "useful" activity should also be as far away from a microphone, television camera, or other contrivance for the dissemination of your thoughts, voices, images, and/or ideas. Time will now become expansive for you and you will discover all the things you've meant to get to, but haven't had the opportunity to explore.
Like how to be human.
Trust me, you will become a better person and find people will love you all the more when you disappear from the public stage. Take the time, make the effort, to discover what it is that makes you tick, have a good vomit over it, and reflect on what it all said about you. You'll be much happier for it, and the best part of this gift is that you get to share it with others by not sharing anything of yourself with others from now on.
Consider this advice as my gift of Personal Growth to you all. Because I care. Really.
Next, we offer some useful advice to the Millennial Generation of bearded, beta-male nerdlings and their more manly counterparts...excuse me, I meant "Third-Wave-Intersectionalist-Feminists"...between the ages of 18 and 30.
It must be a true torment having all the answers to every last one of Life's problems, and balancing this useful and important super-power with an unearned life of unspeakable material comfort that makes you feel guilty, forces you to adopt a totemistic virtue that you don't really feel, having your social status bound to collecting "likes" and "retweets" from complete strangers, and the tenets of Social Justice wherein we're all equal as human beings...except for you, because you're special.
No one listens to you. No one understands how difficult it is to be you. No one who has ever existed prior to your generation could ever know the exquisite pain you feel at the thought that you may be ostracized for daring to have a non-approved private or personal opinion; about the complete disaster your life might become if you were forced to tolerate ideas based on something more than what Professor LGBTQWERTY told you were good thoughts; the horror of having to live a life where you can look people in the eye and don't have scoliosis and over-size thumbs from being hunched over a tiny screen and typing "LOL" and sending emojis into cyberspace from a miniature keyboard all day; where the mere suspicion of harboring a thought or idea rejected by the Collective Hive Mind might be enough to ruin your life, your social status, or your career. But, I'm here to help.
Your Overlord admits his Cosmic Guilt; he has taken part in your Oppression by holding the opinion that 9.529 times out of 10 you will open your mouth and expose your ignorance. He has been dismissive of you: you couldn't POSSIBLY have a good idea; no way He should ever take you seriously, considering your lack of experience and practical knowledge. After all, you graduated with a degree in Interpretive Feminist Dance (even the boys) and this makes you an expert on EVERYTHING, and entitled to a six-figure salary, and a cushy job in an octagonal-shaped office building, constructed that way just so that everyone can have a corner office with a window.
So, here is my advice to you. I'm sincere when I give it and I want you to consider it as a heartfelt expression of my support for you.
Get to the 0.471 times out of 10 when you will be right as quickly as possible. If that 0.471 is eluding you at the present, then say nothing. It is better to wait until that 0.471-out-of-10 inspiration arrives and be thought brilliant, creative, informed, worth listening to, wise-beyond-your-years. If possible, please do it without the affected exhaustion, the fake exasperation, the Childsplaining, the snotty attitude, the whining. Also, make sure you do it on time, according to procedure, in a professional manner, and without resort to filler words like "like", "Oooo-kay", "uh-huh" and "you know". Those are not punctuation. Stop rolling your eyes. Also, acquire a sense of self-awareness so that you can admit to yourself the things you know that you don't know. Make a list of those things and refer to it frequently.
You could also shut your phone off, so as to avoid being distracted by anything that beeps, rings or vibrates unnecessarily. Obtain a sense of humor.
This way, when confronted by a crusty old curmudgeon who has 30-40 years of experience on you, who requires your attention so as to interact with you, who has lived through things no one ever taught you about in school and might know something you don't, who has practical knowledge of what he or she is doing, and who feels a personal and professional responsibility to correct you when you're obviously wrong, you will not take it as a personal insult or as a vicious assault upon your psyche and emotions that require you be locked in a closet with a night light, blankets, cocoa, Xanax, a therapy pet and coloring books.
Do these things and you will, finally, become the adult you wish to be treated as.
Besides, that crusty old curmudgeon signs your paycheck.
Merry Christmas! Oh sorry, that's racist, Eurocentric, and dismissive of other people's belief systems, feelings and cultures, isn't it?
I forgot.
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