Monday, December 24, 2018

The Year-End Review...

"This is dedicated to the thousands of brave and loyal Stormtroopers who gave their lives in the defense of the galaxy against the pernicious poison of stupidity. We must persevere and remember: in The Great Galactic War Against Retard, there will, unfortunately, be casualties. I just wish someone would finally design a Death Star that doesn't have the same fucking weakness. I mean, COME ON. It's not like this is complicated, guys. You've had like fifty examples, already. Even the Chinese Overlord  figured it out and his Minions are building Death Stars with no exhaust ports, and out of something better than plastic. For lower wages, too. And why can't our vehicles have wheels? Why legs, Dumbass?" -- The Overlord.

It is customary, although I never quite figured out why, to look back upon the year just passed at this point on the calendar, and reflect -- either fondly or with great fucking annoyance -- upon the highlights, the lowlights, and the in-between lights.

First, the highlights.

There have been 35,000 unique visitors to this site this year, and we still have a week to go. Considering I do minimal promotion, have few cross-link arrangements, and depend largely upon word-of-mouth to spread my wisdom hither and yon, that's not too shabby. By modern intertoobies standards where site views are often measured in millions, it is a paltry figure, but you've managed to generate almost twice that number of page views.

Thank you! I'll be shooting for higher numbers in the coming year, and will continue to pour out my special amalgam of invective, insight and (I hope) humor in order to achieve it.

I would especially like to thank all the masturbating ladies at a variety of Live Cam sites, who apparently have nothing better to do when not diddling themselves for money online, than to read this stuff. The amount of traffic originating from searches on these sites is enormous.

I remember once passing through the infamous "Red Light District" of Amsterdam many years ago when my companion and I managed to pass a storefront with a curtained window. The curtain parted, much like a Dutch whore's knees at the rattle of Guilders (this was before Euros) , to reveal several naked women sitting in the window, all reading newspapers. My companion remarked that these must be the best-read women in Europe.

It appears as if the tradition has been carried into the Digital Age.

Thank you, Hoes!

Special Christmas Shoutout to my conspiracy theory buddies (you know who you are!) who began an e-mail campaign (after I called them out two or three times) to try and get me to admit that the Earth was flat. I did not blog about this when it happened because I reckoned I had devoted enough time to conspiracy theories, secret Jooooo Banker-Controlled Mind Control Devices in the Federal Reserve's Basement, Chemtrails, and evil cabals of Bond-like, but invisible, Super Villains hiding in hollowed-out volcanoes, plotting World Domination, surrounded by hundreds of henchmen in matching, tin-foil and Day-glo Orange uniforms, for whom fluoridated water and 9/11 were the keys to achieving their goals.

So, belatedly, as a Christmas gift to all you  Freemason-hating dipshits, here is why you are all fucking retarded and should choke to death on a dick:

1. If the Earth is flat, then why can't I see Mount Everest from my rooftop?

2. If the Earth is flat, then why are rainbows arched?

3. If the Earth is flat, then why are eclipses precisely predictable utilizing a system of mathematics which assumes spherical objects orbiting one another?

4. If the Earth is flat, then how does one manage to circumnavigate it, beginning the voyage in one place and terminating it in the same exact place without falling off the surface?

5. If the Earth is flat then why do two sticks stuck in the ground at different locations NOT produce the same shadow at the same time?

6. If the Earth is flat, then why does Mercator's Projection work?

7. If the Earth is flat, then why is the Aurora Borealis only visible from one hemisphere?

8. If the Earth is flat than why do people on either side of the Equator see different constellations that rotate around a celestial axis in opposite directions the further north or south you go?

9. If the Earth is flat, then why don't people on opposite sides of the Flat Earth see opposite sides of the Moon as it passes over? Why isn't the Moon visible all day to all people?

10. Why hasn't someone locked your stupid and insane ass up yet?

Merry Christmas, Assholes.

Your Overlord attended his cousin's annual Pre-Christmas Party for friends and family today, an event which has taken place for the last 15 years, or so, in which The Master of the Galaxy has had occasion to play the role of Santa Claus to an entire generation of children who have, likewise, attended this annual fete.

Alas, there are no more Younglings to dress up and "Ho, Ho, Ho!" for, which led to several observations:

1. The Continuity of Life is amazing.

2. There are photo albums literally stuffed with images of these events that document the Christmas tradition of an entire generation, and I am in every last one of them. It is a humbling thing to look back upon the pictures and realize what a small, but happy part, I might have played in all of their lives.

3. Considering the majority of the Younglings of the past were female, and are now 16, 17, or even 18 or 19 years old, and given the realities of the society we now are trapped in, sitting in Santa's lap today might well have constituted a felony.

Time marches on. It's a hell of a shame.

And now, Minions, I leave you with this Holiday Message:

Go forth and be merry these next few days. Enjoy yourself, for life is too short not to. Drink the wine when it is red, the whiskey when it is yellow, eat the food and partake of the camaraderie, the good will, the Spirit of the day. It is full of wonder, even for those of us who do not believe in a Invisible Jew in the Sky, and his Son who apparently had the power to resurrect himself, but not to avoid being beaten bloody and nailed to two pieces of wood.

The Overlord commands you to take every moment of it in; the sound of wrapping paper being torn open, the kisses stolen under Mistletoe; the quiet of a Christmas snowstorm; the fire in the fireplace; the feast; the football; the shared laughter and memories. We spend but a few moments here in the scale of Galactic Time and none of them should be wasted. To feel is to be human; to feel in the collected body of one's family and friends the warmth of love and the thunder of laughter, is to be reminded of it.

Be grateful for it.

Merry Christmas to all of you.

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