I had meant to write about this last week, but...you know....things come up. One of those things was certainly NOT a quiet reflection on the aesthetic state of some dude's anus. I may have a lot of spare time on my hands, but not nearly enough for this...
And yet, here we are. From last week's New York Post: People are dropping 25k to get Anal Botox.
One must ask "What people?", but the answer(s) to that one is quite obvious.
People with too much money on their hands.
People with far too high an opinion of themselves.
People with some sort of strange fetish that causes them to seek the trappings of immortality and eternal youth in defiance of gravity and Nature.
People with certain sexual proclivities that revolve around All Things Poop Chute.
While I find the subject distasteful, and can't work up the ambition to be disgusted by the people who would partake -- either as a moral judgment or as an evaluation of character -- the thing I found most-fascinating about this "Rejuvenate your Rectum" craze is something that went totally unmentioned in the story. And that is....
Freedom and Capitalism win again!
Because only in a free, capitalist society could there be enough money, safety, security, tolerance, and open-mindedness for something like this to thrive and become a business. Or even to exist.
What do you think would happen if you asked your doctor in Riyadh to bleach your sphincter for you to make it more attractive to the other jihadis?
Can you envision a circumstance under which North Korea would provide a shot of $25,000 Tushie Tuck for it's citizens?
Do you believe, for a second, that in places like South Africa, Vietnam, anyplace ending in -stan, the sweltering slums of India, the backwaters of the Sudan, in any corner of the world where despotism, socialism, poverty, starvation, and malaria are endemic, or where beheading and clitoral mutilation, or tossing homosexuals off rooftops are the national pastimes, that the ability and methodology, not to mention medical acumen, would exist -- on an open market -- to put a needle in your anus to fix the damage caused by God-only-knows-what-object(s)-weren't-meant-to-be-there?
Do you think that people in those places would consider the Brown Eye such an an important part of who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world, that they would accept ...nay, welcome...the arrival of some sick motherfucker with a medical license to dispense Retroactive Virginity to the Retroactive Area?
Do people elsewhere even have the time and security to even bother dreaming about such things, or are they too busy trying to dodge Ebola, catch a yak for dinner, or avoid being doused in gasoline and burned alive for the crime of belonging to the wrong tribe or sect?
Of course they don't. They don't have the time or resources to worry about anything beyond the daily struggle for survival. They can't imagine what Botox is. They couldn't comprehend the idea of spending money (which they don't have) in the name of vanity. They couldn't understand the sort of free and open society that not only allows such things to be done for a variety of ultimately petty, stupid, vainglorious and foolish reasons, ranging from "I want to feel younger" to "I want to be more attractive" to "just because", let alone accept it.
I guarantee you: within a short period of time, someone will be demanding this be covered by Medicare. Just you watch.
Before I explain just HOW the ability to Contour the Chocolate Starfish for a pile of cash represents the apex of human achievement, I must take issue with the doctor quoted in this article, who is apparently the Jonas Salk of the Rusty Bullet Hole. Particularly for this passage:
"It’s kind of crazy. I did not think I would be playing with ass all day, that is for sure,” Goldstein told Moneyish. As a gay man, Goldstein, who began his medical career as a cardiothoracic surgeon, wondered how he could help his community. He noticed that most doctors performing anal surgery were treating hemorrhoids or cancer but “were not looking at the anus as cosmetic or sexually functional,” he said.
The best comedy, it is said, writes itself. It is also said that if you do what you love you never work a day in your life.
At $25k a pop to put the rosy glow back into the Old Turd Cutter, this is probably the happiest and least-stressed out man in America, if not the planet.
The pathology inherent in this entire effort to patch up The Prison Purse is probably best left unremarked upon. There's so much mental disorder here, I don't know exactly where to begin, and I doubt it has any...ahem...end.
Naturally, I am obligated to write the following, for what, I believe, is now the 34,857,456th time in print:
No, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care what you do with your body. It is not my place to tell you who and how you should love. None of that is my business. I respect and love you as human beings deserve to be loved and respected.
But, fuck yeah, I will laugh at it.
Now, to return to the original subjects: Freedom and Capitalism.
The Freedom to Fix the Fudge Factory without being persecuted, imprisoned, mutilated, judged, or even killed, is simply one more way in which Western Civilization demonstrates it's superiority on a daily basis. As I've mentioned before, most of the world is a truly horrible place, full of social taboos and rigid customs and ways of thinking, or black holes of material dearth, that make such a circumstance either a dangerous proposition or a physical impossibility.
Four-thousand-five-hundred years of Western patterns of thought -- the recognition of the sovereign individual possessed of natural rights, for which governments and systems of laws are formed to preserve and defend, where the freedom of conscience and the ability to question authority, to explore questions free of the restrictions imposed by religion, despot, or culture -- have created a world in which someone is perfectly free -- and safe -- to rehab their Two Hole any goddamned time they'd like, free from the law, whim of the despot, the attitudes of a Pope or Imam, or stigma.
It is the same culture which has produced the systems of science, medicine, and economics, which make possible the discovery and production of things like Botox, and to experiment with their uses, until one is found which provides a benefit to society. Now, whether that benefit is truly a benefit to the hole...erm...whole...of society is open to debate, but surely, someone benefits.
Certainly the doctors who do this benefit. The clapped-out hag whose cornhole looks like the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel benefits, if only psychologically. The companies that make Botox benefit since they have a new market for their product, and naturally, their employees benefit, too; with new markets comes continued employment. Naturally, some of the profit the companies and the doctors make will be re-invested, providing jobs for others, and perhaps leading to new and more-exciting benefits for society, like stretching the frontiers of medicine until we learn how to create the self-regenerating hymen for personal perpetual virginity, or perhaps in discovering a new-and-unusual use for Drano in the bedroom.
Who the fuck knows, but it all comes from FREEDOM.
You know, it might not sound like it, but being able to rebuild a stretched out growler with a drug originally developed from a deadly, poisonous strain of bacteria (Botox is derived from a form of food poisoning, after all) just goes to prove that Capitalism is an unbeatable force. Think about it: some doctor is charging $25k so that people can voluntarily have a deadly bacteria injected into their bunghole for, if you'll excuse the expression, shits and giggles -- mind you, a hole that was designed to be "exit-only" -- just so they can go out and have someone devastate it with a pelvis bazooka, perhaps many of them, all over again.
And furthermore, the person who makes these rather (to me, anyway) questionable decisions on how to abuse themselves have to be possessed of the means to afford to Repave the Hershey Highway. They must have jobs; they must be earning a pretty good living; they must have disposable income to throw away on Shellacking the Ham Flower after their basic needs are met, and, of course, there's a market for this. It didn't spring up spontaneously; it's a response to a perceived need or a demand.
Capitalism, and capitalism alone, does this the best, the most efficiently, and while the process may be very expensive right now, once it becomes a commonplace and the process is improved and made safer and more comfortable, everyone and his mother will be doing it. Which will make it cheaper.
Imagine the chance to polish your Posterior Pucker for just pennies on the dollar, someday? Why, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of that opportunity, even if you didn't need it!
That was sarcasm.
But you get the point. Then again, it seems a lot of people got a lot more than the point, and that's why their brown spider is looking like that pair of underwear we all have where the elastic band has separated from the rest of the fabric, and you could drive a semi tractor through it.
You seem to keep that forever; just like your butthole, after all.
And in one of those deliciously ironic circumstances that often arise out of complete farce, think about this: a good many of those people who will be putting the starch back into their shithole are probably people, who at least once in a while, are usually the first to complain that capitalism is unfair, that out society is oppressive and unfree, and that it unjustly enriches people who do not have their best interests in mind or who never care about their problems and desires, are no doubt the first to be lining up to retread the old alimentary canal.
In other words, people who would have most likely voted for a Hillary Clinton, a Bernie Sanders, or a Barack Obama, and who, in future might easily pull the lever for an Elizabeth Warren or Kamala Harris, and these are people who have proven -- time and time again -- to not only be HOSTILE to the concepts that created Botox in the Boo-tay Free of Recrimination, Discrimination and Social Approbation, but they'd probably put the doctors doing this sort of thing for this kind of money behind bars and publicly castigate them as "The One Percent", considering the cost and I would imagine immense profit margins.
In other words, they'd find themselves supporting the people who would be preternaturally opposed to, and out to destroy, the systems which brought this panacea of pulchritude to the Poopcannon: those would be freedom of expression and capitalism.
Ain't that a kick in the ass?
Update: Corrected some spelling and grammar boo-boos.