The Overlord's Dating and Marriage Tips

Yesterday saw your Galactic Master at a family gathering where one of the topics of conversation became "Why isn't Cousin X married yet?". This question was being asked by the females present, providing yet another prime example of why there is No God.

For if there were a God, at least the omniscient, all-powerful, master-of-time-and-space-with-a-plan God we're all accustomed to being told exists, he would not have taken so many swings at creating Woman and whiffed every time.

(For those who don't know: in Genesis 1, Man and Woman are created simultaneously from the dust of the Earth. Somehow, this first woman mysteriously disappears, so that in Genesis 3, God notices Adam is alone (Good job,  Almighty! You can count to One!), puts Adam into a deep sleep and fashions Eve from one of his ribs. We know how that one turned out. Apparently, "don't eat from that tree" was too difficult a directive for her to obey, and she was easily swayed by a serpent, sort of like when the modern woman reads Cosmo: it's a bad idea, it's probably a lot of sugar-coated lies, and the potential outcome is pretty much a foreseeable disaster. It has the value-added non-virtue of springing from the disordered thought process of a female).

Unless, of course, there IS a God, and we've been wrong about it's gender. I would postulate that if God exists, then it must be female; for only a woman could fuck up by the numbers this badly and still have the nerve to DEMAND to be thanked, praised, feared, worshiped and financially-supported for it.

Oh, right...that's religion.

We're here to take on dating and matrimony. Anyway, Poor Cousin X (names redacted to protect the innocent) had to sit through an interrogation surrounding his free agency, including, it should be noted, from a single woman getting nearly as long in the tooth as he is.

Eventually, the Female Stupid Gene kicked in (as it eventually must) and the ladies began building him a profile on Match.com, just "to see" what sort of ladies were available to him online. This is now entertainment for them, and it's another example of why women should be chained to stoves and forced to have children they don't want to teach them a lesson.

Men build Space Shuttles and Caravels and explore Unknown Seas and Outer Space -- Women match the dust ruffle to the duvet.

Men invent Supercomputers -- Women arrange the closets according to color, style and season.

Men split atoms, make 99.9% of the discoveries that make modern life possible, and construct skyscrapers -- Women organize and color-co-ordinate all sorts of stupid shit within an inch of it's life.

Men understand that marriage in the Modern Age carries few, if any, benefits for them, the personal price to be paid in terms of emotions and income is probably too high, and sex is too easily had -- and obtained on other apps -- like Tinder, Adult Friend Finder, and Hook-up; Women decide this is all the result of a lack of a dating profile on Match.com.

In other words: you should probably not be taking advice on your personal life from them.

Here, the Overlord must pause to make an observation which is based upon personal experience with internet dating sites, or, really, any sort of dating service.

Very few who post an online personal ad are very truthful, either about themselves, or what their ultimate intent is. I have never read a personal ad that says "Incredibly obese, whiny, loser with missing teeth and eleven children by fourteen fathers seeks spineless dumbass with very low standards and thick wallet to pay my bills and feed my face". Likewise, I have never read "Incredibly shallow man seeks gum-chewing bimbo with no self-esteem, no gag reflex, and willing to include her girlfriends in a sexual tryst."

Actually, I did read that once in a newspaper personal ad. No shit.

What you WILL read in a personal ad usually goes something like this (generalized):

"Super-Attractive, successful, fun-loving, financially-secure, well-adjusted individual of varied interests and intellectual pursuits/achievements seeks attractive Opposite Number."

This is usually followed by a list of requirements this Opposite Number needs to meet, and some blather about Happily Ever After."

Which leads to the question: if you are this good a catch, why are you advertising yourself like a used car? Why hasn't someone snatched you up, already?

You get a lot of bullshit responses to these questions:

"I'm too busy to date"  (but you just advertised for one?)

"I'm tired of the bar scene" (what? People only congregate in bars? I used to find a lot of women in the supermarket and laundromat)

"No one around here is worth it" (perhaps you need to re-evaluate both your goals and your obviously-inflated opinion of yourself?)

In any case, all these wonderfully-eligible, absolutely-perfect, eminently-desirable people can't find dates because of some external issue which does not reflect poorly upon themselves, and which is out of their control. This is bullshit. You're advertising online because you're lazy, hiding something, or lying about something. Certainly, you're clueless, for if you had a clue, you'd probably recognize why you're having such a difficult time finding a mate, and do something to fix it. We're all usually our own worst enemy.

Naturally, because this is an internet dating app, where people enjoy a large shield of Anonymity (and there's no guarantee the picture with the profile is the same person), there is no personal means by which to inspect a potential date before you make it (i.e. you can't kick the tires before you drive it)/ Oh, you may exchange e-mails, text messages, maybe even speak to one another over the phone, but there is no means of making a face-to-face evaluation until the date actually happens. And because everyone presents as a fucking brilliant, very happy, non-drunk, non-addict, very athletic, outdoorsy, sophisticated, socially-aware, very shy, sensitive -type-with-artistic-talents and a successful careerist (whether on Wall Street or Waffle House), you really don't know what you're getting.

And considering the outright hostility and unrealistic expectations of the Modern Woman, not to mention the female proclivity for changeability, I wouldn't get married these days, either. In fact,there's really no reason to do so: feminism has taught Women that giving away sex is an act of "empowerment", that children are a hindrance to a happy life, and that Men are largely unnecessary or outright evil. The courts in this country are so slanted in favor of the female that any male who gives marriage a try (and fails) will soon find that his children are used as weapons against him,  he has few legal rights, and he ends up paying in child support, alimony, loss of assets and aggravation forever for what turns out to be temporary use of a vagina he no longer wants.

It's like entering into a really bad car lease. Why bother?

By comparison, prostitution is a godsend and a viable option with the added benefits that you never have to see the hooker ever again, and only have to pay her once.

The Master of the Galaxy does not have specific advice for specific purposes, and the point of this screed is not to give you reasons for NOT dating or getting married. Individual mileage may vary, as they say, and past performance is no guarantee of future gains.

I will, however, give you the benefit of my long and hard-earned experience with certain categories of women that you should avoid like a prostate exam with a rake. I'm also going to tell you that so long as you are not blinded by a smile, mesmerized by a set of boobs, or otherwise retarded, you should be able to notice the signs that something terrible is sitting on the other side of that dinner table, that you should proceed with caution, and be ready to bail in a heartbeat.

Women will bitch (sorry, that was redundant) that the categories are fairly broad, and grossly unfair. They will protest that I'm a misogynist, cruel, uncaring, crude, and disgusting.

This reaction is a massive indication that I'm also RIGHT.

So, here you go. Ten Women to Avoid Like Ebola Virus:

1. The Avenger

Also known as "The Angry Soul". I've actually met this one several times. This is someone, plainly speaking, who is dragging an awful lot of emotional baggage (mostly anger) behind her, and her goal in life is to now make someone else suffer for it.

Every Avenger has the same ex. I know this because it's all they can talk about, and amazingly, he always has the same name: Fucking Bastard. Every sentence is prefaced with the words, "My ex, fucking bastard....". Her demeanor, conversation, and comportment make three things absolutely clear: she doesn't really like you; she will most likely never trust you; and there's a reason why Fucking Bastard appears to have left a trail of breadcrumbs in his wake  -- he was smart enough to bail on this emotional trainwreck before she ruined his life.

She lives in the past and cannot let it go. It's bad enough to have a past of your own, sometimes, do you really wish to be saddled with someone else's? Do you wish to have to live your life with the ominous shadow of Fucking Bastard hanging over it like the fucking Sword of Damocles? Do you realize there will always be three people in this relationship, and you're being judged against the one who isn't here, with the proven bad track record....constantly?

She has taken you in as a proxy; you are to be the stand-in for Fucking Bastard, and whatever it is she wants to do to him in an effort to get even, she will do to you. You are her emotional doormat. Her dartboard with his picture on it. And in many ways, because she has "a type" you will, probably, resemble Fucking Bastard in one way or another. This was part of the attraction for her, in the first place. She wants to replay the tragic scene, but only change the ending.

Men and Women tend to react to anger differently. Men, when they're angry with one another, typically express this physically. Seen it a million times: two guys have a problem with one another. They go into an alleyway, beat the shit out of one another, and five minutes after it's over they've gotten drunk together, pledged lifelong fealty to one another, and maybe even gotten matching BFF tattoos. That is to say, the grievance has been aired. It has been thrashed out. Both parties emerge with a greater respect for one another. The original grievance is buried and forgotten.

This seems to me a much healthier, and honest, means of settling disputes.

Women do not respond to anger this way. Women tend to personalize everything, and their methods tend to border on the psychotic and downright mean. Women are fucking petty when angered. They don't just wish to get EVEN, they wish to emotionally wound and scar the target of their anger forever.

This chick is out to scar you for something you didn't even DO simply because she is unable to take responsibility for her own failings. If Fucking Bastard was such a fucking bastard, it's because she let him be a fucking bastard and didn't demand to be treated as anything more than his personal trash can.

2. The Damsel in Distress

Also known as "Woe is Me!". This chick couldn't find her own ass with both hands and a flashlight, on a good day. No matter what she does, no matter what her intentions, trouble -- and often complicated trouble -- follows this one like gulls follow a garbage scow. She's always in the middle of something, a situation that's incredibly sad, or amazingly complex, and when dispassionately analyzed from a distance, entirely avoidable, that causes her to  be on the receiving end of all sorts of mean, cruel, nasty, unnecessary shit.

Largely, this is a result of her poor decision-making skills. Actions, naturally, have consequences, and this moron hasn't learned this lesson yet, and so she always finds herself in the eye of someone else's shitstorm (typically an omnipresent ex-boyfriend with a criminal background that keeps popping up, a family that is a rogues gallery of dysfunction that won't go away, her drug dealer, and so forth) and suffering for it on a continuous basis.

This lady is everyone else's dumpster. She's passive. And she gladly accepts this role -- and the crappy life that comes with it -- because she is lacking in key elements: she is completely guided by her emotions, she lacks self-esteem, she's dumb as a fucking stump, and hasn't the ability to say "no" to anyone.

That is to say she has no boundaries, and it's only a matter of time before the weeds in her field cross the property line and start choking the life out of your crops. On another level that she does not recognize, she really enjoys the drama, being painted as the victim (a martyr complex), she loves being the center of attention (even the negative kind), and in a way, her penchant for collecting and maintaining a supporting cast of even-more fucked up individuals makes her feel superior in a way she will never admit. This is a consequence of low self-esteem.

She is in constant need of rescue and expects you to unfuck her fucked up life for her. She is mentally, intellectually, ethically and morally lazy. Your association with her becomes is a test of how much you "need" her,  in a perverse way that requires a psychological treatise to explain. To put it plainly, you are the Shrek to her Princess Fiona.

And while Shrek and Fiona may have lived Happily Ever After, that's a fucking fairy tale, and just look at how much trouble the cast of flawed characters around Fiona -- The Fairy Godmother, Prince Charming, Lord Farrquarr, Rumplestiltskin, Prince Arthur, Dragons -- caused Shrek.

You don't want a fixer-upper, especially one that will continuously undermine your repair work by continuing to engage in the same behavior. Chances are good that should you invest any time or effort into this type, whatsoever, the depth of her sewage will simply increase and the number of problems she has will expand exponentially.

This sort is nothing but a bottomless pit of SUCK. Stay away.

3. Curricula Vitae

Also known as "Uppity Bitch". This is another one with very deep-seeded psychological problems, mostly involving a lack of self-esteem and organic positive attention (not the sort of Snowflake Cheerleading one gets today by merely posturing, I mean the sort of positive attention one used to receive by doing something worthwhile). The Curricula Vitae (CV for short) is on a continuing mission to convince you that, all things considered, she's fucking better than you even while she sub-consciously knows this to be patently false.

She is continuously feeding you her resume. In excruciating detail.

You cannot make a remark in passing that doesn't elicit a recitation of her virtues and accomplishments. Her minor victories are recited almost as if by rote, and in language that is designed to embellish their inconsequential nature. Her true conquests are elevated to Homeric status in a way that gives you the impression that she's not only happy to have won, but to have crushed someone else in the process. She knows everything; she's done everything; she's been everywhere, and if she hasn't, then she has a dozen friends who have, and she has experienced it all vicariously through them.

She's a tiring fucking bore.

Every discussion becomes a battle; every minor point of disagreement becomes a sweeping debate with diagrams, copious anecdotal examples, rhetorical wrangling, because THIS IS WAR. She's out to put "putting you in your place" on her resume. Her entire life revolves around being right and rubbing everyone else's nose in it and beating her own fucking drum over it, because her entire psyche revolves around the belief that she is inadequate.

This relationship only ends in one of two ways, and they both probably involve murder.

4. Me-Too-Plus-One

This one has a serious psychological problem which is a mixture of poor self-esteem and probably congenital untruthfulness.

There is nothing you haven't done that she hasn't done, too...only better.

There is no joke you can tell that she doesn't ignore and then have a better version of.
There is no circumstance, person, or activity in the world that isn't a pale imitation of her, her experiences, or her actions, or about her. She literally cannot shut the fuck up about herself on a quest to cover up her own inadequacies to the point where those inadequacies are made glaringly obvious for the entire world to see.

Rode a horse once? She rode two. At the same time.

Got a puppy for your fifth birthday? She got a unicorn that peed lemonade, shit Skittles, farted rainbows, sneezed glitter and puked cotton candy for her's.

Climbed the Matterhorn? She did that, twice, naked and with no equipment during a blizzard.

It's chest-beating and a cry for help all at the same time. Avoid this one like it has AIDS, because she'll probably tell you she had that, too, but it somehow got better.

She is unable to tell the truth about anything and must always be seen in a positive light that overwhelms her dark, inner truth.

In another life, she was probably Heinrich Himmler.

5. The Dryer Sheet

Also known as "Clingy Cathy" or "The Chameleon". Ever taken your clothes out of the dryer, and found the dryer sheet that was supposed to take all the static out of your laundry clinging to your underwear by virtue of self-same static?

That's this woman.

And much like the static-laden dryer sheet, this one can only be removed by peeling it off the garment it has attached itself to, such action resulting in a bit of resistance, a crackling sound, and a momentary confusion about what to do with the fucking thing now that you've removed it.

Clingy Cathy will insinuate herself into every aspect of your life. Your friends will become her friends; your activities will become her activities. She will do anything, be anything, BECOME anything, in order to pour herself into every nook and cranny of your existence. It's her desperate way of endearing herself to you, her psychotic way of saying "DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!" before her inner Glenn Close comes out.

This woman has a major problem: she doesn't much like herself. In fact, she probably hates herself to the point of suicide, but she just hasn't worked up the ambition to take that last step, because it frightens her. As an intermediate measure, she will attempt to MAKE you love her and simultaneously live vicariously through you, since her own life is pretty terrible and empty. She fears being left alone; she doesn't know what to do with herself; she usually has no hobbies of consequence, and very few friends. She literally devotes all of her time to ingratiating herself to you.

She will show up at your job with a home-cooked meal; she will call you fifteen times day; she will buy you things you don't necessarily want as a means of bribing you; she will do almost anything you ask her to do, and more, making it perfectly clear that she's nothing and your happiness is everything. This empty vessel will fill itself with you, pour it all out again, and fill right back up. And she's intense about it, too: show the slightest displeasure or question her motives, and the full-fledged fury of the mental breakdown begins. The tears; the plaintive wails; the repeated asking of "does this mean we're breaking up"?

The worst thing that could ever happen to this woman is rejection. Even the slightest rebuke is treated as a personal affront. She probably lost out on the star quarterback to the head cheerleader; she was probably always picked last for dodge ball; the other girls ganged up on her and made certain she felt ostracized (because women are fucking petty).

She is driven to prove to you that she is worthy of your attention. To the point where all she wants is your attention, and she will contrive any means of getting it. Eventually, you're ensnared in an elaborate web of unhinged emotion woven by a monomaniac who takes exacting and convoluted pains to hide her bad qualities.

Short version: if you keep thinking this is a pretty nice girl, you can never find any fault in her, she seems really cool and accommodating with you doing your thing (only asking to be included ALL THE TIME), and you can't find anything obviously wrong with this, just wait...the other shoe will always drop.

And the longer it takes to drop, the more psychotic the shoe dropper turns out to be.

6. Debbie Divorcee

Also known as "Typhoid Mary". Unless they happen to be widows, a fair number of single women of a certain age are likely to have one thing in common: divorce. A fair percentage of those women are likely to have something else in common: multiple divorces.

Divorce, in and of itself, is not a true indicator of character. After all, everyone can make a mistake or be unlucky. However, when the woman in question begins to collect divorces like kids used to collect baseball cards, you have to wonder about them. At the very least, you have to wonder about their decision-making process and ability to learn from mistakes.

You also start to wonder what it is the other men discovered about her that they found questionable or awful.

However, the main point to consider when dating a woman with a history of divorces -- two, three, or even more -- is this: that's two, three, or four relationships in which there was one common denominator: HER. This is not a good sign. There's something about her that made a lot of other men flee in terror, and probably lighter in the wallet, as well.

Additionally, there are some women who make serial divorce a sort of career, and there's apparently good money in it.

I once dated a woman who openly bragged about being divorced FIVE times; she collected alimony from all of them at one time or another, and was still collecting child support from two of them at the time. She had no job, but seemed to be living a pretty decent lifestyle, nonetheless.

She also turned out to have Munchhausen by Proxy syndrome, had the sexual morals of an alley cat, was addicted to prescription painkillers, and was a welfare cheat, to boot. She managed to hide it all for a very long time behind a smokescreen of red hair, big tits, and hot-and-cold running oral sex. Beware!

7. Take-Over-The-Payments

Also known as "Somebody Else's Headache", or "The Trapper". This woman has some nerve.

She's typically a single-mother, often by choice, who's overriding ambition in life is to find someone else to raise (i.e. pay for) her kids, but really to subsidize her lifestyle as an unlicensed whore. Oh, she may talk a good game about the children needing a father and proper role models, but her main motive is financial, and her main weapons are sympathy for her children and easy access to her vagina.

She has usually been in a series of very bad relationships (they are most likely to be little more than quick-and-dirty sexual encounters undertaken in the quest for money) that resulted in a pregnancy, and found herself unable to cope with the consequences -- almost always financial -- that come with such poor decision-making. It's also axiomatic that the sperm donors are either deadbeats or nowhere to be found.

At least one might actually be in jail.

This one has elevated the stalking of her intended victim to a fine art. She will do anything to acquire access to the wallet she has chosen, and to the poor, dumb bastard who decides to take on the awesome responsibility that comes with supporting and raising someone else's kids. Some men will do this for three reasons: 1) they have some skewed vision of Manhood, 2) they may have some sort of mental defect that leads them to believe they can exert control over this situation which turns them on, or 3) they're easy to pussywhip.

And, of course, should the lady in question begin to believe that she is losing her chance at the kill, she'll do something her own history indicates she's ready, willing, and able to do, and does so easily without much thought...she gets pregnant...and so baits another trap.

Always the end game involves you paying her. Paying her for a bit of fun. Paying her for your mistakes. Paying her to go away. Paying her for the baby you never wanted.

8. The Center of The Universe

Also known as "The Black Hole". This is a woman so psychologically-damaged and scarred that it's actually frightening.

Her problems stem from two sources: she lacks self-esteem (this is a commonplace among modern women, who are taught self-esteem comes from sitting through puppet shows in grammar school, with a rainbow sticker), and a convoluted or questionable relationship with a male -- usually her father -- early in life.

This woman has an unquenchable need to be the Center of Attention twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and twice on Sundays. She must always be noticed; she continuously fishes for compliments; she is always in competition with other women for attention, sometimes even negative attention.

She needs to be fawned over; she needs to be fought over; she desperately wants to be put upon a pedestal and worshiped, because if none of these things happens she feels terrible about herself.  She feeds on praise and adoration like sharks feed on whale carcasses.The absolute worst thing you could ever do to this woman is to ignore her for five minutes, and perhaps the deadliest thing you might do is present her with any sort of criticism. This is a sin beyond forgiveness.

She has much in common with Me-Too-Plus-One and the Dryer Sheet. Usually, this stems from a doting or over-attentive father who spoils the fuck out of his Little Princess, who grows up believing that ALL Men should see and treat her in the same way. She needs to be noticed; she craves gifts; she needs to be constantly reassured, continuously complimented, smothered in affection, mollycoddled, and spoken to in loving, cooing tones all day long.

It quickly becomes exhausting, repetitive and aggravating. It certainly is an unrewarding experience, because you're only here to serve her.

She's doomed from the very start because very few men will live up to such lofty, and artificial,  expectations. This, in turn, dooms your chances for a meaningful relationship. Because she's fucking shallow and brain-damaged.

This one will make your life a living Hell; you will have no free time that is not devoted to her; you will be badgered all day long to tell her how much you love her and how much you appreciate her; your other responsibilities in Life will be forced to the back-burner as your world slowly begins to revolve around a new axis.

9.The Terminator

Also known as "The Incredible Hulk". This is a bitch. Plain and simple. She hates Men, but hasn't got the guts to go full lesbian. She's usually not very pleasant-looking, nor is she very pleasant, period.

Speaking of periods, she's determined to share her's with the entire world, even on the days when she isn't ovulating.

This is one mean, angry, fucked-up, vicious cunt, and her overriding aim in Life is to make every man suffer for the sake of making them suffer. She is a one-woman Einsatzgruppen, bent on the destruction of the Male of the species, if not physically, then emotionally. The source of her anger lies deep in her sordid past: she has probably been mistreated by someone, an absent father, a series of unsuccessful romances, perhaps there's a bit of abuse in there, too.

She usually makes no secret of her hatred for Men, either. She manages to attract them, nonetheless, because a) Men love challenges, and b) some guys will fuck anything.

This woman has much in common with The Avenger, only the depths of her pathology are unplumbed and their goals are slightly different. In a perfect world, The Terminator would leave a trail of emotionally-scarred and crushed Men in her wake who will know what it's like to feel like her, and who will never be capable of finding the happiness that has so-obviously eluded her. She might actually kill you, if she thought she could get away with it.

Her weapons of choice are a Vagina of Mass Destruction and an attitude.

Unfortunately for her, Men are not ruled by their vaginas and feelz (that is, they cannot be hurt in the same way that women are), and so her attempts to crush them by feminine means (meanness, pettiness, emotions) ultimately fail. She discovers they didn't care if she has a weaponized snizz -- she still gave it up --  and even then, the Men involved found her wanting, or decided the experience wasn't worth the hassle they had to go through to get it.

This only leaves The Terminator angrier than before, and much like the Hulk, the angrier you make her the stronger and more savage she becomes, and so the entire thing becomes a cyclical exercise in futility. This woman doesn't need a date; she needs intensive therapy. You don't need the persistent itch in your rectum and risk to life and limb. Steer clear.

10. The Grim Weeper

An emotional train wreck, the Weeper cries constantly. About anything and everything. She is easily triggered. The crazy oozes out of every pore of her soaked-in-tears body and can be smelled long before one gets within visual range.

This is an overly-emotional, over-wrought, mess of tangled emotions that requires a great deal of care. She must be handled as if she were made of glass. Part of this stems from her own background (usually terrible), learned behavior (that tears get you something), and inability to come to grips with her own issues which begin (as always) with poor self-esteem and usually meander into paranoia, depression, bi-polar disorder, and all manner of suppressed rages.

The Weepers of my experience (I've known a few, and heard of others) tend to be self-destructive types; they cut themselves, they drink a lot or are addicted to anti-depressants, every obstacle in life is met with a refrain of "I can't deal...." and several days of black brooding marinated in a constant flow of tears.

Many will develop "fibromyalgia", which is a fancy way of saying "fat, poor, bloated loser with a prescription pill addiction", and this will be followed by more reasons to cry.

This type seems to go out of her way to find ever-more depressing, ever-more dramatic ways to be self-destructive without actually killing herself. She revels in depression and swims in her own tears. Even the happiest of times is short-lived, and followed my an even-more precipitous descent into the Black Hole of Sad.

Run...just fucking run...

Of course, you're probably asking "My Lord, how is it that you know so much about such specific types?", and the answer, My Slaves, is simply this: Your Overlord got around a lot, back in the day, and furthermore, in his former identity as The Lunatic for quite some time these were the only kinds of women he was meeting. that is to say, women with even worse mental disorders and conditions than his own.

The list is not exhaustive, and it might not even be fair. I am anticipating a slew of the "But I'm different/special/not anything like that..." emails which follow this kind of post as surely as suicide bombings follow Ramadan. You'd be surprised how often mental cases want to split hairs when it comes to descriptions, expositions,  and the consequences of their mental disorders. Particularly when you've described them in such deep detail that the reader simply can't help but to personalize them.

Suddenly, it's all about Her .It's always about her. That's the fucking point of this essay. They can't help but believe that somehow everything in creation is about them, their vagina, their feelings, their hatreds, their revenge fantasies, their evaluation of self-worth. They are obsessed with themselves to the point where there's no room -- or even need, sometimes -- for you.

Like we all don't have enough bullshit in our lives; we need to be swamped by a tsunami of someone else's?

It all gets intensely personal, and someone has to go to great lengths to convince you that while they might have no self-respect, they may hate men to the point of wanting to kill them, they may treat their va-jay-jay like a public playground in an attempt to get men to like them, they're somehow not afflicted with mental disorders and certainly people better than me.

This is usually the sort of woman who can be had for not much beyond a few kind words and a Snicker's bar attached to some fishing line.

So, Cousin X, and all you other single guys out there, I hope this helps!

Parts Two and Three in this series can be found here.