Thursday, May 25, 2017

Douchebag of the Week (Week Ending 5/27/2017): Chelsea Clinton

One must consider that God made a mistake in choosing Noah and his family to be spared the trial of flood, for from that mass of specific, inbred DNA Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton would eventually spring. You would think someone with "A Plan" and with vast powers over time, space, and matter would have foreseen this possibility, and selected another set of Jews.

Unless this WAS the plan, in which case, God is a fucking douchebag.

Friday, May 19, 2017

You All Suck #5 - Darwin, Two "-isms", and Survival

Have we finally reached the stage implied in Darwin's Theory which presupposes the end of Evolution within a species, marked by the unmistakable moment when continued adaptation becomes first, questionable, and then, manifestly impossible?

I'm beginning to think so. The consequences, however, are not so obvious. Perhaps there's one, last gasp of adaptation left in the Human Race, and the biological imperative to survive will kick back in, and allow us a single moment of utmost clarity within which it will become obvious as to what is required of us in order to continue as a species. The question is, will we have the brains and stomach to choose the self-evident solution?

Monday, May 15, 2017

A Majority of One (An Important Public Service Announcement)

Of all the Things in Creation, I say these three are the dumbest creatures to ever walk the Planet: Liberal Democrats, Irish Setters...and the American College Student.

The Overlord is displeased.

In fact, he is livid. Spitting mad. Red with Rage. Ready to chew vulcanized rubber. Why, if his powers over time, space, and matter were not -- as yet -- limited by the Laws of Physics, there would be an awful lot of dead people littering the landscape this day.

And most would be dead simply because they cannot muster the intellectual firepower to burn calories.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Douchebags of the Week (Week Ending 5/12/17): Two Late Night Comedians

There are two reasons why comedians usually don't enter politics. The first is that despite having a deep store of wit, they're typically not very smart. The second is that they're not very good at it (see: Al Franken).

This week we plumb the depths of television to single out two gentlemen who at one time commanded a grudging respect from your Overlord, but who have now shown themselves to be extraordinarily shallow people.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

You All Suck (Exhibit #4: Old People)

One of the most amazing hypocrisies of the Modern World is, that while some in our society dream of a mass return to Nature, there is a great reluctance, often, to let Nature take it's course.

Which leads me to believe that all this talk about "holistic" this, "Save the Planet" that, and the fetishization of all things "natural" and "organic" is just another means by which bullshitters attempt to hide the smell of their own bullshit.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Voices Inside My Head #4

If you care about the "cause" of Global Warming/Climate Change, or you are convinced of the Apocalyptic end of the Planet, then do the logical thing -- rid Planet Earth of your disgusting Carbon Footprint and kill yourself -- show your devotion to the cause, for only after you set the proper example will you have the moral authority to lecture me, Pal.

You All Suck (Exhibit #3; Deer Hunting, Sterilization and The Welfare State)

Apropos of yesterday's diatribe advocating forced sterilization as a means of saving the Galaxy from the curse of progressively-dumber people, I remembered this morning that there IS a forced sterilization program in New York City...

Just not for people.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

A Majority Of One (Why Forced Sterilization is a GOOD Thing)

Some of you had no business breeding. But you did. If you were dogs, I'd rub your noses in the mess you've made, and smack you with a rolled-up newspaper.

There is nothing so heartbreaking as the thought that the Human Race is doomed.

Well, maybe for you...For me, it can't be doomed soon enough. I find most people to be about as useful as Hillary Clinton at an orgy, and as likable as toenail fungus. Although to be fair to the fungus, it can be argued from a certain perspective that it may have some redeeming aesthetic value.

It's certainly colorful, at least.

Welcome New Readers!

My influence grows daily...More planets fall under my sway as the days pass, and I look out upon the Galaxy and know that, soon...soon...

Some thanks and welcomes, in short order.

To the good folks at I Own The World: You may wish to rethink that statement, for the Overlord loves nothing more than a challenge.

Except Pepsi and Marlboros. He really, really loves Pepsi and Marlboros. And Devil Dogs. With a big, cold glass of moo-juice. In fact, if he could subsist on Pepsi, Marlboros and Devil Dogs, he would.

Seriously funny commentary by a collection of truly enlightened individuals (and I mean that in a good way, not that Berkeley definition of "enlightened" which has something to do with being gay and having your head firmly ensconced inside your own ass). Stop by, read a lot, learn something, laugh like hell.

Next, what else can I say except...TANKS. TANKS are fucking cool. Oh, and there's politics, and commentary on everything from why Islam sucks (hey, you're preachin' to the choir, Son), to Tom Clancy. That's Tom-Fucking-Clancy. In fact, you will find an awful lot of other cool stuff -- especially support for our Vets -- at My Daily Kona, and if you aren't visiting there on a regular basis, well, that's just Un-American.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Voices Inside My Head #3

I have to, with great reluctance, retract something I wrote here recently.

Not because I have to; not because someone complained (as if that would work?); not because I was necessarily wrong. But because I have made a fundamental error in logic that surprises me. It's as if, for a brief moment, my normally superior linear thinking skills deserted me.

Galactic Overlords do not like to admit mistakes. However, one becomes a better Galactic Overlord by admitting them and learning from the experience. Internet Hegemony does not come to those who cannot identify and correct a critical mistake in thought.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Welcome to Some New Readers!

Rapid expansion of the Galactic Empire proceeds by leaps and bounds! New planets have been colonized, with legions of potential peons who will hear the words of The Overlord and quake with upset tummies, and perhaps giggle a little.

Welcome to readers from Goodstuff's Cyber World, an interesting collage of Science, Sci-Fi, Cosplay, Superheroes and Beer...the five basic food groups, if ever there were. The Overlord has reviewed your fare and found it worthy. He enjoyed it immensely.

Well-recommended, indeed!

Another "Hello" to our visitors from The Vulgar Curmudgeon, a site after our own heart...if we had one, that is. Old-fashioned work ethic, heavy machinery, a smattering of politics, a love of coffee. Why, it would be Heaven... if Heaven was allowed within my realm. You peons shall have no other God before me, if I have anything to say about it!

And a final "how do you do?" goes to my friend Neil, and his wonderful website, Upland Adventures. If you're all about huntin', an' fishin' an' chootin' -- and what Red-Blooded 'mericun Male, aint? -- then stop by and check out his wonderful videos and the wealth of valuable outdoorsy info on tap!

You're all getting added to the blogroll, too.

Douchebag of the Week (Week Ending 4/28/17): Barack Obama.

Liberals only hate money when other people have it.

It certainly did not take very long for former serial Douchebag of the Week Award Winner, former President Barack Hussein Obama, to return to his championship form. Why, one could almost be forgiven for thinking that, thankfully, out of office, Obama would retire quietly, perhaps taking up a new profession more in line with his talents.

You know, like scraping chewing gum off the bottom of movie theater seats, Men's Room Attendant (even Men in Dresses!) at Target, or perhaps selling peanuts at Wrigley Field.

But no. Some people just have all the luck, like when they get Nobel Peace Prizes for being (half-) black (and then start three more wars), or for landing tony book contracts when it's questionable as to whether such an inarticulate liar can even write (we know he can read whatever smart white men feed into his teleprompter, but I could train a chimp to do that. Oh, no! I just mentioned chimps and Obama in the same sentence. I must be racist!).

Besides, we all know it's Michelle who is the Ape in Heels.

The Overlord Is Pleased...


My Master Plan continues apace! I shall conquer the internet one planet at a time, and you shall all be at my mercy! Practice your grovelling and lick-spittleing now!

Traffic is awesome, and we're only nine days in!

Time to send some shout-outs.

First one goes to my friend Diogenes Sarcastica, and the good folks at Diogenes' Middle Finger. For those who may not be familiar with this blog, it is simply AWESOME. If you enjoy your politics and social commentary with a dash of sarcasm, a side order of snark, and The Colonel's Secret blend of 11-insults-and-bellylaughs, get over there...like right now. Your Overlord commands you!

Next, we have the folks at Traction Control, who have christened me the new Kim du Toit of internet rants. Which is extraordinarily high praise, indeed, since Kim can write up a storm. Visit them both, dammit, or I will use the Farce (here in this Galaxy, it's not The Force or The Schwartz, it's The Farce) to do...well...something not nice that you won't appreciate. Probably something to do with loss of bladder control, because that's really nasty.

Traction Control has all the gun and ammo info you need, and Kim is just a fantastic writer.

Finally, I have made Fark.com. What, pray, is Fark.com? Fark.com is an aggregation site where people get to circulate articles from all over the internet that they find funny, sarcastic or interesting, that's what it is. It's a big fucking deal, okay? Some of the best commentary on the internet is to be found there, not just in the articles, but especially in the comments. I especially love the mantra of Fark's founder, which goes something like this:

"I don't care what anyone says, the masses are morons."

Yes, the Overlord agrees.

Thank you all! Additions to the blogroll have been made.

Now go forth, my Minions, and click links.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Voices Inside My Head #2

I am getting thoroughly sick and tired of hearing from "Steve from Microsoft" calling me at all hours, with his Indian accent and repetitive line of bullshit...

Dear Microsoft,

You have a problem. A very big problem. And you need to address it...right fucking now.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Douchebags of the Week (Week ending 4/20/17): The Antifa, Helicopter Moms, and Baby Boomers

This is what happens when everyone gets a trophy.

Normally, this award goes to an individual who displays such uncompromising standards of douchiness as to defy belief, but every once in a while a group comes to the fore and makes it's fundamental douchiness too obvious and too interesting to ignore.

Such is the case with the so-called Antifa (Anti-Fascists).

Some people's children...

Saturday, April 22, 2017

You All Suck (Exhibit #2)

Q: Why do we all suck?

A: Because there's always one of you who ruins it for everyone else.

I have been asked that question several times now. "Why would you write something like this? Don't you think people might be offended?"

Because I want to. As for giving offense, I don't remember it being engraved in stone somewhere that everyone had the right to go through life unoffended.

Certainly, no one worries about offending me. I can't remember a single instance in my entire life where someone said to me "I'm sorry, I did not mean to offend you", or "I'm sorry that you're offended", and even when someone says, as an aside to some particularly rude remark they've made in passing, "No offense", you know they really don't mean it. It's simply another way of saying "Fuck you, I'm speaking. Don't interrupt me" most times.

Because most people have a passionate love affair with the the sound of their own voice, even when they're spewing complete and utter bullshit.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Voices Inside My Head #1

I can promise you; the average sack of morbid obesity that populates this country is neither: a) better than me (far from it!), b) smarter than I am (as if?), and c) in no position to lecture me as to what I can say, what words I might use, or how I should think or live. If you have a different opinion on these matters, then rip your diaper off, Snowflake, and let's throw down.

It begins, as much in American Life unfortunately does these days, with a Facebook exchange.

Facebook really only serves two purposes:

1. It gives complete retards the opportunity to display their stupidity to the entire world.

2. It gives one the means by which to more-easily identify the retards, so that they may be avoided and/or purged from your life.

A Majority of One (Why You Are All Wrong)

"I Hate White People"

"Yeah? We're not too thrilled about you, either, Buddy".


Wait...which "I Hate White People" guy am I talking about? Is it the last one -- the so-called "Black Jesus", who shouted out "Allahu Akbar" as he murdered three random white men? Or is it the one who shouted "I hate White Men!" as he pushed a white guy in front of an oncoming train? Or is it the gentleman who expressed the same sentiment as he pushed a jogger into heavy traffic? Is it the one...

It's getting so hard to tell your White-hating Black Men apart....after all, you all look alike to us.


Monday, April 17, 2017

You All Suck (Exhibit #1)

"Zero Tolerance" usually translates as "A Policy Invented by an Ass-covering fucktard".

Opinions, I've often been told, are like Assholes: everyone has one, they all stink, and they should never be heard in polite company.

I've also been told that Assumption is a bad thing, too, for when you assume...well, you know the rest.

Fortunately, I've never been one to agree with "Conventional Wisdom", and could give a flying whizz at a rolling donut about "Polite Society".

How To Respond to a Post

It ain't easy housebreaking a new galaxy...

You have to love Google. Not literally, but, bless 'em, they do try hard.

Have gotten some feedback saying it's difficult to respond to posts; the process is too complicated, the responders are too retarded, whatev. The issue is that Google for some reasons wants everyone to log in when they respond with a Google ID (the better to spy on you, I reckon), unless you post as Anonymous.

In which case, you'll have to prove you're not a robot by playing a picture game and clicking "I'm Not a Robot", and then your comment will be accepted.

Sort of.

Because I have to approve it afterward.

Being a one-Emperor operation means that I can't always respond to everyone's comments immediately, or even approve them immediately, so please, bear with me. We're still under construction here, and the kinks are being slowly worked out.

Thank you for your patience.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step

Or, in this case, picking up the journey where it left off.

I am your host, the would-be Emperor of The Galaxy, the artist-formerly-known-as-The-Lunatic, former overlord, Chief Inmate, and Keeper of the Straight Jackets of The Lunatic's Asylum. The Asylum will remain active (although I haven't posted regularly there for years) while I go about removing the choicest bits from it to save them for posterity. I learned how to express myself better in it's pages, and if one goes backwards in time over it's posts you'll see a steady improvement in technique, I think, as the years went on. A valuable learning tool.

Welcome to the initial offerings of My Planet, My Rules a new blogging endeavor in which I will attempt to continue the tradition of, and hard-won reputation for, biting, sarcastic, caustic, and perhaps even provocative commentary of a peculiar sort, but with a bit more flair, a certain higher level of sophistication, and yet with all the same four-letter words you've come to know, love and expect.

This is NOT for the faint of heart, for the easily triggered, for the fragile snowflake who goes into menstrual convulsions at the mere expression of a dangerous thought. I warn you: I eat fucktards like you for breakfast. If you want mollycoddling and lack of intelligence, I recommend you try democratic underground (lack of capitals intentional, for it is neither), or some other media outlet funded by George Soros or dedicated to the lowest common denominator that pours out pablum that defies psychological analysis, like HuffPo or Slate.

You will only find Common Sense here, delivered in a style that you can't handle. And by that, I mean honestly.