Tuesday, April 28, 2020

You All Suck (#37 --Defiant F*cktards and Snotrags)

"During these times there was a pestilence by which the whole human race came near to being annihilated. Now in the case of all other scourges sent from heaven some explanation of a cause might be given by daring men, such as the many theories propounded by those who are clever in these matters; for they love to conjure up causes which are absolutely incomprehensible to man, and to fabricate outlandish theories of natural philosophy knowing well that they are saying nothing sound but considering it sufficient for them, if they completely deceive by their argument some of those whom they meet and persuade them to their view. But for this calamity it is quite impossible either to express in words or to conceive in thought any explanation, except indeed to refer it to God. For it did not come in a part of the world nor upon certain men, nor did it confine itself to any season of the year, so that from such circumstances it might be possible to find subtle explanations of a cause, but it embraced the entire world, and blighted the lives of all men, though differing from one another in the most marked degree, respecting neither sex nor age." -- Procopius, Accounts of the Plague of Justinian (various sources)

You're all lucky that I can't get any Chinese parts for my Death Star right now.

"Stir Crazy" does not begin to explain my present state. I have not been able to work for a few weeks, now. I have completed every "Honey Do" and other deferred chore, and now spend my days simply cleaning the same four rooms in a continuous fashion. I have read everything in the house and my next order of books can be expected to arrive sometime this century. With luck. I have played every video game I have until I am thoroughly sick of them. There is no hockey. YouTube only suffices an hour at a time, or so. Television, when the fare isn't absolute shit, is nothing but wall-to-wall Coronavirus news, and none of it is new.

Yes, I know: it's a bad thing. Yes, I know, it kills old people. But old people were intended to die -- it's why they get old in the first place -- so let's stop this shit, already, and get back to work.

If I have to listen, see, or watch Andrew Cuomo and Bill DeBlasio lie out of both sides of their mouths and rectums, simultaneously, or read about some asshole at CNN who took it upon himself to assume that everyone in America is a drooling idiot to remind them NOT to mainline Scrubbing Bubbles nor shove a laser pointer up their ass. someone is getting killed.

This intense boredom -- broken only by the need to fetch Mrs. Overlord yet another "something to drink" (fucking camels don't hydrate this much), or pick up another 62 snot-filled tissues off the floor because she a) blows her nose constantly, b) cannot do so without using half a tree and c) keeps missing the wastepaper basket at her own fucking feet because her cataract exam has been cancelled for the foreseeable future -- has yet one more unpleasant feature I can honestly do without.


Opinions, they say, are like assholes -- everyone has one, they all stink, and they should rarely be heard.

Especially when you're an imbecile.

Everyone has an argument about everything.

They argue with you online; they call you to argue. Normally, I love to argue,. because I'm good at it, but I have tired of the routine because it has become clear that most everyone who wants to argue with me is not a worthy opponent.

As I've always known, and as the Shanghai Sniffle has reminded me, this planet is overflowing with people who, in an earlier, less-advanced age prior to our own, would have died of their own dumbfuck.

They would have been eaten by wolves while trying to pet them. They would have decided that pissing off that saber-toothed cat for shits and giggles was a good idea. They would have crushed themselves under heavy stones for the poor understanding of physics and engineering.

They would have eaten that strange berry or hairy meat, licked that toad, drank the water from the pond they just shit in, set themselves aflame trying to start a fire, impaled themselves on their own pointed stick while performing acrobatics during the hunt, gotten trampled by a mammoth because they stopped to tie their shoe as the stampede was underway.

And that's just the Men. Their womenfolk and children would have starved to death shortly afterwards for lack of the endurance, linear thinking skills and work ethic to survive, wandering the landscape aimlessly scratching their asses while waiting for The Gods to "save" them.

The people you end up arguing with within one's social circle fall into a variety of rather broad categories, but there is a common thread of dumbass running through them all.

Perhaps the worst are the foreigners of one's acquaintance. In this time of Chinese Pestilence, these are curiously fixated with what goes on in YOUR country, even as thousands die from lack of care in their own. I reckon this is because they have become accustomed to looking to America to make all things right, and know better than to trust their own governments and health systems. This obsession, then, is really the expression of a pious hope that someone else will miraculously save them, but it's someone they have a simmering hatred and jealousy of, and this makes it all the more galling to them.

But since these people are often woefully uninformed -- because the only media they have in their countries are run or heavily-censored by the state, especially in Europe -- and they only get to see websites that are "approved" by whatever tyranny they live under (we're talking about you, China and E.U.) they have a strangely skewed vision of what life in America is. Even in the best of times, but even moreso now.

And when they deign to bring a subject up as to what happens and is happening in the United States, they display an ignorance which is frightening, but totally understandable. What is NOT understandable is why, after you shatter their carefully-constructed illusions about Bad Orange Man and the fact that the streets are not filling up with corpses, they insist on telling you otherwise.

Of course, you only LIVE HERE. They don't. And that's a puzzler, because one assumes that the person best-informed about a situation is usually the person who is currently in the middle of it (New York is, I'm told, Dante's Ninth Circle of Coronavirus, no?), living and experiencing it. Now, there's such a thing as confirmation bias -- people tend to believe only those people or sources of information as will tend to agree with their pre-conceived notions or lack of intelliegence. But this is on an order of magnitude that is off the fucking charts.

What makes it worse is that there's a shitload of context they don't understand. They believe that spending two weeks in a tourist trap in Florida makes them all experts on America and American Life, and so they miss important things. Like how our government (doesn't) works. That we're not a democracy, but rather a constitutional republic. They don't get federalism or separation of powers. They have a strange misunderstanding of what is legal here and what isn't.

This all conspires to make an argument with one of them an exercise in extreme self-control.

So, if I say the sky is blue in America, they insist it isn't. It can't be, because Trump. The BBC and Univision said so.

If you tell them the "panic" is just that, and the portents of Eternal Doom are an over-reaction, well, that can't be possible, because we're a young country and have no history and don't know anything. Which makes no sense, but I guess it makes Europeans feel better about themselves.

When the subject comes down to why the European "medical model" is better than the United States, they suddenly can't do math, they can't understand demographics, they have a poor grasp of constitutional government, and a great ability to ignore the evidence before THEIR eyes.

Somehow, they believe, people who live 3-, 6-, 10,000 miles from me have a better grasp of the circumstances I live under then I do, myself. I'm stupid, you see. I've been brainwashed by the Elected Orangutan, and live in his Cult. They're all enlightened free-thinkers,of course. It's all a great show of chest-beating and jealousy, really, when you strip the politics and history out of it.

And eventually it all comes down to personalities (because that's how sophisticated, cosmopolitan and smart these assholes are that they miss forests for trees), so that the people who followed Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Castro, Mussolini, Quisling, Mandela, Saddam Hussein and the Ayotollah Khomieni to utter ruin are suddenly shocked, sickened, left speechless, appalled, even gobsmacked by Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump...of whom they know nothing except what state-censored and controlled media tells them, reinforced by the echo chamber of their ex-pat American "friends".

Speaking of which, these -- American ex-pats -- have to be some of the dumbest bastards to ever stagger down the pike.

I know quite a few people who fall into this category.

For the most part, they are pretentious twats. They took to living overseas because no one here liked them, and the cachet of a n address in an "exotic" place like Rome, Athens, or Sydney is supposed to substitute for the "specialness" they all believe they possess (but universally lack), but which none of us dirty, no-good, rotten, asshole motherfuckers ever noticed and applauded them for. Applause to which they were entitled, because special.

They moved to absorb "special" by proximity and osmosis. It's something none of the people they know back home would ever have "the courage" to do (want to impress me with how brave you are? Live openly as an American in Pyongyang). They believe that because these places hold something of an aura (sorry, but I don't live in awe of Budapest or Vienna) that just being here transfers that distinction to them.

They're still the same loser, they just now have another reason to forget it.

They left because there was nothing for them here. Society had no use for them. Europe has a long tradition of tolerating -- and often celebrating -- useless, below-average, untalented, stupid, self-absorbed people laboring under the misapprehension they deserve far better than they've gotten.

Some of them even grow up to be Dictator.

These idiots want argue things they know are certainly NOT true, nor even dabble in objectivity, and so they are condemned to endlessly repeat a cycle of reflexive contrariness and anti-Americanism. Because if they don't, their foreign friends will discover what we here already knew -- they're piles of shit -- and reject them, too.

And then where do they go?

Now, I also know some people who live overseas who did so for strictly more-legitimate reasons than avoiding being alternately ignored and laughed at at home. To a lesser extent, they begin to take on the manners, attitudes and fucktard of their foreign hosts, too. The level of projectile vomit  they induce depends largely on whether or not they were mentally well-adjusted before they left, if they're getting laid regularly by some foreign trim, and if their job depends on it.

I've had one already tell me his foreign employer religiously and jealously scrutinizes his social media, and he dare not express his real opinions there for fear of termination and deportation. This is why we only talk on the phone (The E.U. has revived the Law of Seditious Libel, placing pan-European government beyond criticism, and other laws like the infamous Articles 11 and 13 act as agents of censoring independent thought online and in print).

And even THAT GUY has to argue with you about something he's not seen, hasn't experienced, or undergone, and he'll tell you you're full of shit or must be exaggerating because "everyone knows" (no, you mean everyone you know -- on another continent -- THINKS) the opposite is true.

I must say, that the worst offenders trend to be those from the Latin Countries of Southern Europe, and of all people, Australians, who have such an overwhelming sense of penis envy that no matter what the topic is, Australia has already done it, is doing it better, longer, faster, better than everyone else, and somehow it's all "for free". "You People" in the United States could learn everything from Australia...a country with 13 people in it, most of them drunk.

I don't think so.

I know one thing Australia never learned to do or never did well: defend itself against the Japanese without the Americans.

So, to the argumentative foreigner, butthurt, euphuistic ex-pat dildos and Aussie douchebags, go fuck yourselves.

Worry about your own countries. Because they suck.

Next on the list are the bombastic boors who want to accuse me of being "anti-science" when I disagree with them or correct their fundamental (mostly MENTAL) scientific mistakes, while trying to hide behind the shield of "science" that they obviously don't understand. I can't POSSIBLY be correct, because I'm not a doctor or scientist (hey, neither are you!), and they have it on "scientific authority" that they are correct and you are monstrously wrong.

Let's get a few things straight.

First, I'm a fucking genius. Certified. I have the IQ test scores, diplomas, scholarships, and professional background to prove it.

You're a cashier at Walgreen's.

Second, I can verify everything I have to say, and when I'm wrong, I will genuinely admit to being so.

You post articles on holistic medicine from Vox, Cosmo, and (P)MSNBC. And a cat meme.

So that when you make INCREDIBLY stupid arguments like:

Coronaviruses are created in laboratories!

Vaccines don't work, and give you autism and athletes scrotum!

This pandemic is proof the Environment is "striking back" and that "capitalism is doomed"!

Trump told everyone to inject themselves with Pine Sol!

...and I correct you -- Coronaviruses occur in nature, there are hundreds of them; vaccines DO work, and autism is a genetic defect; "The Environment" is not a living entity capable of independent action and lacking in personal motivation and you've just attributed human characteristics to an object; capitalism is what will save us; no, Trump didn't say that, you can read the transcript -- the proper response is not to call me an idiot, it is not to double down on your own fucktard and insist that up is down, it is to submit that, yes, My Overlord, you are smarter than I am! Thank you for enlightening me!

The worst example of this "Claiming-Scientific-fact-about-shit-I-know-nothing-about-to-justify-hearing-the-sound-of-my-own-voice" is the total mental midget who has to find a way to mix her (it's always "a her") politics into the Science-y thingy in such a way as to make you wonder how someone's ovaries produced an egg this impaired.

Like the idiot who turned the conversation into a feminist diatribe, insisting that women don't need men to continue the human race ("all the men will die of Coronavirus and it will be glorious!"), and the world will be a better place, because it is the Vagina that is the Fountain of Life. You gently remind her that without sperm -- only obtainable from Men -- her "Fountain of Life" is like any other fountain without fluid running through it: a mere sculpture. Maybe still pretty to look at, but not performing it's intended function, in effect, as useless as tits on a warthog.

But she'll argue I'm wrong, anyway.

And this comes from another curious human characteristic I wish to see eradicated by a carefully-planned program of street executions: If I'm wrong, it's somehow because you HATE me.

Therefore, anything you say, any evidence you provide, is nothing short of a hate crime, and as such, has no value, should never be listened to, and you should be fed raw to a school of hungry piranhas. You've exposed my dumbfuck for all the world to see, and worse, made ME realize it, and therefore, you must be un-personed. You must be fought against. I must somehow salvage a scrap of whatever self-esteem I have left because your blistering expose of my retard embarrassed me in public and makes me want to kill myself.

It should embarrass you. And yes, by all means, drink some Liquid Plumber and do the deed, already.

I get tired of being lectured to by people who believe LITERALLY EVERYONE EXCEPT THEM is a moron (when I have copious evidence to the contrary) who would take bleach intravenously because someone else said so, and then they inject their faces with Botox and take Clorox baths, steam clean their va-jay-jays, stuff wasps nests in their cooters, eat exotic plants they've read about in a magazine -- once -- and drink concoctions of insects and lawn trimmings to "detox" their vital organs, or run electric currents through their nipples to "realign my magnetic field" or "readjust my Chi", about "Science".

You obviously don't know what that is.

(Did I just engage in projection there? See how smart I am -- I noticed and had the awareness to ask the question. The answer is - fuck NO! There's some seriously fucking stupid people out there. And somehow, I know them?).

What makes it all aggravating is not so much the stupidity -- that's a given -- but the defiant nature in which they cling to it, wear it like a badge of honor, adhere to it like it was their religion.

It seems we need more plagues.

1 comment:

Bobo the Hobo said...

Well, it’s official: bowing down in your direction.