"If you've ever wondered what the world would look like if women ran it, take a look at your HR department. Then tell me that isn't a justification for genocide?" -- The Overlord
Oh, the fun I have at work!
Or, maybe more like the 'fun I used to have at work' because I put a huge target on my back recently after a spirited debate with the HR people.
'Spirited' is probably the wrong word; it was more like punting fully-lobotomized infants down a bowling alley lane, scoring repeated strikes and then having the automatic return send them back for more.
Reader's Digest Version:
1. I am 'in trouble' because I am obviously not reading company e-mails. HR wants to know why.
I remind them of the stupid situation two years ago when I was suddenly and unexpectedly given a lecture about security because I had been 'red flagged'. What, pray, is being 'red flagged'? My employer routinely sends its employees false e-mails that contain phishing scams, trojan horses, harmless viruses, etc., in order to bolster 'data security'. In other words, they deliberately try to trap you with these things in the hopes that you will be more circumspect about opening an e-mail and potentially infecting a network with malicious things.
If they snag you, they make you take a bullshit Data Security course designed for a third-grade reading level, and most likely a racial minority third-grade reading level. These violations also are held against you when it comes time to get your performance review, and, subsequently, affect your compensation.
When this 'red flagging' occurred, I was told that my fail rate was 50%. Impossible, I said, because I can admit that I did run afoul of the regime on two (2) occasions. I took the courses. You know I took the courses. So, are we talking two of four 'trap' e-mails? Fifty out of one hundred? Five Hundred out of one thousand?
I was then told that, really, no one actually knows. They don't keep track of the number of false e-mails you open or respond to, they only track the percentage of times that you are caught. At that point, I wondered out loud why we were even having this conversation because apparently the metric has no context and frankly, it seemed that the ultimate goal was to generate that percentage, not keep track of the actual number. In which case, that was a dirty thing to do to an employee and they should be ashamed of themselves...and fire the fucktard MBA who came up with this stupid idea.
(All stupid ideas in America originate with an MBA. Usually female).
So, my solution to the problem was to simply NOT open or respond to e-mails, therefore, avoiding the traps, and thus, eliminating the need to generate a percentage that will affect my income.
Problem solved. One would think...
Alas, this is no good, I'm told, because the e-mails are an important form of communication between employees, or employer and employee, and often convey important information I need to do my job properly.
So, I asked 'Am I doing my job properly?' Have I missed a deadline? Created a problem due to lack of communication? Made any mistakes that have cost the company money? Does anyone have an issue with my performance?'
The answer, of course, was 'no'.
So then why are we having this conversation? And by the way, what is my current 'red flag' score?
Why, it's 0%.
Then Mission-fucking-Accomplished, I say.
I would also add that if I'm capable of doing my job at a fantastically-high level without a fucking e-mail, then is the e-mail really necessary?
2. Speaking of using such nefarious tactics in order to short an employee on raises or to create a means of dismissal, if necessary or convenient, I asked the following question:
'By the way, I have been here almost three years, and despite pronouncements to the contrary, I have never received a performance review, nor have I been given a raise. Why are we discussing a metric that supposedly applies to a performance review that I have never been given? In fact, was promised, as I recall the time my direct manager actually came to the office (when we were all in the office) in the middle of the night shift to tell us we were going to get performance reviews and potentially raises based upon them.
None of that ever materialized.
I got some mealy-mouthed bullshit about having three CEO's in that time (a true indication of just how good your company is!), which requires reviews and changes be made to company policies, something about budget-cutting and more-careful allocation of resources (you mean like when the company spent a shit ton of money of door-side nameplates and the hardware and labor to mount them -- in an office they were closing in a month?) being considered.
I asked HR lady if she had received any retention bonuses in the last three years, which took her aback, and she wouldn't answer. Because I was told those were coming, too.
3. I am routinely late with completing required 'training' courses which deal with varied and sundry topics ranging from encouraging employees to wash their hands frequently, to data security, to sexual harassment, to 'ethical' business practices and what not to do with your company-provided equipment when you're not in the office.
None of which applies to me.
For a start, I work at home (we all do, these days).
By myself.
If I'm sexually harassing anyone in my workspace, then I have a problem that will not be solved by a corporate high-school drama video depicting the trials and tribulations of a young lady who comes to work dressed like a whore, a tranny who gets bent (sorry!) out of shape because someone used the wrong pronoun, and bathroom etiquette which only exists because you continue to hire Indian H-1B's who don't know what a bathroom is and how to use one properly.
The one on 'Gender Equality' was a fucking hoot. I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say, this planet is mostly inhabited by retards with too much free time on their hands.
I also, studiously, avoid talking to my colleagues over Teams or the phone unless I absolutely must, so as to avoid having anything I say taken out of context and used as the basis of a lawsuit.
You made me take a course on 'Productivity' that took me away from my real work for two hours, you numbskull, and when it was completed I went straight to the (non-Indian containing) bathroom to find something in the medicine cabinet that treats having your intelligence insulted.
The purpose of these 'training videos' is not to actually train anyone, if by 'training' we mean 'passing on information of any appreciable value'. They exist to keep the lawyers happy and by that, we mean that should there ever be any sort of lawsuit the first line of defense is always 'but, Your Honor, we have mandatory ______ training'.
Meaning that if it doesn't work, it's the employee's fault that it didn't work.
Fuck your lawyers. You wouldn't need any if you weren't such fucking idiots.
4. Finally, I'm told that if I don't start reading my e-mail (and exposing myself to demerits), don't finish my courses on time (and wasting everyone's time while getting paid for it) and toeing the line re: all this stupid, useless, unnecessary administrative bullshit, I will be subject to 'penalties'.
What penalties, you may ask?
Well, I may denied a raise, for starters. Considering no one has given anyone such a thing in the last three years that I'm aware of, that doesn't seem to be much of a penalty -- denying me something you weren't going (and haven't given) to give me, anyway.
It's sort of like all those unfuckable women threatening to withhold sex they aren't having and that no one wants on the Internet.
I might be 'written up' and this will be used against me at my next performance review.
The one I've never been given and which might, mysteriously, materialize at exactly the right moment when it is convenient to the company and not me.
I might even be terminated. A hollow threat since it is difficult to impossible to replace me. I work in a part of the IT field that isn't taught at any university. There are no 'trade schools' to teach people what I do. In fact, there are few under the age of 50 that do what we do, which is why a) it is difficult to find replacements when needed and b) typically, whenever you are introduced to the 'New Guy' he's gray-haired, bald, or has one foot in the grave.
I've just had a colleague retire two weeks ago and he is aged 83.
And finding another job, even at my age and in the present market, wouldn't be all that difficult. Unfortunately, you have to deal with the same nonsense everywhere. Sometimes with a Pride Flag.
And I can promise you, some of those prospective employers are not setting e-mail traps, talking about administrative practices which aren't practiced, and hounding me to finish a course that tells me what I already know, i.e. don't swing from the lighting fixtures, don't piss in the potted palms, and don't grab anyone's ass without a formal, written request that has been reviewed by your Department Head (who, incidentally, I have NEVER met) and approved by any number of anonymous executive boards which apparently exist to do everything except run a profitable concern.
We have 'Help Desks' which help no one. We have 'Help Desks' that we aren't allowed to contact, even. We have a company-wide network system that fails routinely, but has no backup, except for an ancient piece of software that has no support (because the company that produced it is out of business for the last 18 years), no documentation, and no one on staff who knows how to work it. Also, those 'Help Desks' are usually only open Monday-Friday, 8-4 pm, and I work nights.
So, I usually end up doing it -- whatever it is -- myself, anyway, and then have to listen to someone else complain that I'm 'doing their job', that they can't do because not available.
If you need something simple and routine done, say, having a password reset, it must be requested in writing and the process is broken into three parts, each of which is addressed by three separate departments, only one of which is in the United States (the others being in Brazil or Indonesia). It can take upwards of 10-14 days to have this simple process completed, and often, it is completed in the wrong order or at random, so that you get an e-mail or other message that tells you the task is complete, but which may only be 1/3 or 2/3 complete: you're only getting confirmation from that one department that handles that one specific part of the process. There is no co-ordination between the three for obvious reasons, time zones and work schedules being the easiest to identify.
In the meantime, you get conference calls with seriously stupid chicks (I have yet, in my entire 40+ years career, ever met a male 'HR person'...or at least one who wasn't gay) who think they can tell you how to do your job (because degree in something that relates to their vagina or involves shoving things up your ass), or some supposed authority they have by virtue of 'working' in HR.
And if you point out the retarded-ness of their mandates, ideas, metrics, processes, and conversation, they get all uppity and passive-aggressive. The worst of the lot hop on their menstrual cycles and attempt to run your ass over.
Best part: they called me at 10:00 at night -- three hours into my shift -- to discuss all of this with me for over an hour, seriously impeding the productivity they've just 'trained' me on.
The irony was lost on this one. Not surprising.
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