Friday, June 4, 2021

Douchebag of the Week (Week Ending 6/5/2021 - YouTube Dating Advice Chick)

 Author's Note: Blogging has been slow recently due to the need to relocate to a new Death Star. We should be finished moving next week, so I can't promise anything will be written in the next 7-10 days. In addition, I'm a bit under the weather -- I've discovered a growth at the back of my throat, which at present has doctors fairly certain ISN'T cancer, but no guarantees. Hopefully, all the test results come back negative and they can get their collective heads out of their asses and fix it soon.

If I'm incommunicado after this, now you know why.

Recently, I discovered a YouTube phenomenon that I hadn't really known about wherein ladies post "instructional" and "educational" videos for the benefit of other ladies in which they purport to give one another vital and effective dating tips.

Essentially, these all devolve into "Men Suck" and then follows a tortured exegesis on said sucking, why women are victims, and eventually you discover why YouTube Dating Tip Girl has trouble finding a man.

Because she's a cunt.

Usually a mentally deranged and stupid cunt.

I was enthralled. I found it all very entertaining. Yes, yes, I know -- it's not right to laugh at the mentally handicapped, and all that -- but we've been locked down for 18 months and the Schadenfreude gene has been activated by isolation and being drenched in hand sanitizer. I'm all blown out giving a good rat fuck about having sympathy and empathy for others, not that I was a Nobel laureate in that department to begin with.

But, if you ever find yourself with a few hours to kill, in need of a good laugh, and fascinated (as I am) by the spectacle of clueless women explaining exactly why no one likes them and then claiming victimhood in a total display of intense narcissisms and fireworks-quality cognitive dissonance, then I recommend you give it a try.

You'll be glad you did.

These things all typically start out the same.

Some good-looking young lady, who went through a great deal of trouble to pick out the proper wardrobe and painstakingly apply makeup just to make a video of her unleashing her mental upon a webcam, starts a dissertation on why she's unhappy and it is some man's every man's fault. Here are some examples:

Psychotic Vampire #1 - She is trying to explain to all the other psychos out there just why it is they are attracted to really bad men.

She begins with some nonsense about having had a bad man or two in your life as being a GOOD thing, explaining that until you've been possibly physically or sexually abused, had your bank accounts drained, perhaps had someone cheat on you with your own sister, been treated like garbage and otherwise tortured by a "Bad Boy" you'll just NEVER discover what it is that you really you want in a man.

By this logic, you will never discover the pain and potential loss of faculties caused by multiple concussions until you hit yourself over the head repeatedly with a ball peen hammer.

Normal people don't need to experiment with the hammer and a sub-dural hematoma to understand that this is perhaps not a very good idea. That, viewed from the standpoint of the simple Survival Instinct and the Limbic System's autonomous desire to avoid pain, they would never attempt to do such a silly thing.

Unfortunately, once you put a vagina into that hammer/skull formulation, apparently all bets are off.

She continues with a bit of denial: Women are attracted to Bad Boys, she says, because they are "temporarily blinded" by "manipulative men" who start out being all nice and cuddly, and then become the Incredible Hulk with a bad rash. This temporary blindness prevents the woman from recognizing all the "danger signs" this Bad Boy presents, which upon closer examination, would have been easily identifiable by a permanently blind person, or anyone with three functioning brain cells.

By the time the woman notices Bad Boy is a fucking dick, it's too late: she has fallen under his spell (a combination, I get the impression, of Old Spice, a motorcycle, addiction issues and a slight resemblance to (insert name of this week's media-constructed heartthrob)).

OF COURSE he must have tricked her into falling for him, because otherwise someone with her room-temperature IQ would NEVER have picked someone like him. Bullshit: women LOVE Bad Boys for the same reason why men love a 1970 Pontiac GTO with a 455 HO big block: There is a real thrill in trying to control that much raw power.

And because the Bad Boy activates their maternal instincts. She can "change" or "save" him you know, and somehow turn him into her ideal mate while still retaining that edge, that slight danger, that thunderous roar of a metaphorical V-8 with a penis. No matter how hard Feminism tries to pretend as if this psychological/physiological circumstance either doesn't exist or can be controlled, they're always wrong. It all operates sub-consciously, which makes it beyond the capacity of an individual to exert influence.

But then again, Feminists have been wrong about everything because their nonsense is based upon a fallacy: that reality isn't real. But, I digress...

So, Gussied-up Dumb Chick goes on to tell the sordid tale of something like 177 failed relationships that all involve the same kind of dude, the same laundry list of warning signs, and the same helplessness she feels when Fonzie is finally done with her, and she misses the most-obvious point: if you keep finding yourself in this position then you're not making the basic observation that the only common denominator in all of these romantic Titanic-like epics is YOU, and you're obviously doing this wrong. James Dean, Jr. is merely the prop in your personal drama. You keep meeting the same guy and getting the same result because a) you're an idiot and b) you're a mental idiot who needs therapy.

And you haven't learned a thing.

Instead you're making YouTube videos explaining in exacting detail how you keep fucking up, but apparently never genuinely process a single word you've said.

Naturally, she does not come to this conclusion. It's all the Man's fault. Sharing the drama online is also part of the drama. She enjoys the drama. She enjoys the attention. The eventual let down gives her the excuse she needs to continue living in denial -- I'm not a bad and deeply-flawed person; my boyfriends are, and by extension, so are all men.

Deluded Guttersnipe #2 is a real winner.

This one is really special. See, she's upset that men don't like heavy girls -- or what they perceive to be heavy girls -- because see, she's not really thicker than oatmeal and never misses a meal, her problem, you see, is that while she may be carrying an extra 40 pounds and have more chins than a Chinese phonebook, it's not really as bad as you think because she's only 4' 6" and built like a fire hydrant. if she were only 6" taller, she'd look only thirty pounds overweight -- but still have the neck and shoulders of a middle linebacker.

You almost expect to hear that while her blood type may be "Mrs. Butterworth's", she identifies as a willowy sylph-like creature.

The fuckwit runs deep in this one as she begins to cry about her online dating profile pictures.

To be fair, this Hobbit does have an attractive face in that Tom Hanks-Volleyball-With-Mercurochrome-On-It way. It's the lack of brains and the talking that does her in. Anyway, she complains that men judge her before they've ever met her based on her profile pictures. This is where it gets mental.

She freely admits that she uses older pictures of herself on her profile from a time when she was much slimmer, often several years old. She also admits that she does not post pictures of herself that show her below the waist. She also admits to fudging the questionnaires that are often part of the process that serve the purpose of attempting to enhance or facilitate a match by comparing answers to standard questions.

Her first complaint is about all the men who want to know why she never posts a picture that isn't a "waist-up" shot. She considers this behavior to be almost criminal and dehumanizing because when she doesn't answer the question to their satisfaction, they stop texting or messaging her. Yes, why WOULD a man want to see you in your full glory? It's such a fucking puzzler!

Her next complaint is that if and when she does find some dope who agrees to meet her in person, they immediately flee, but not until they've spoken their minds concerning her dishonesty -- she doesn't look like her picture, she's selected "slightly chubby" and not "Shamu McMuffintop" in response to the body-type question, and she never mentioned that her ass has satellites orbiting it. This she finds even more upsetting, seeing as how she bought new shoes for the occasion (the blacksmith was kept busy all day) and went through all the trouble of finding her best sweatpants with the extra-stretchy elastic just so that she could like nice for him.

The idea that she's LIED to him about herself...about everything about herself...and that people tend to get pissed off and feel disrespected when you do that to them, never enters her tiny mind.

She's ENTITLED to have you love her, you see, because if you don't then you're a piece of garbage who hates Big Girls, which means you have a problem -- never mind that you -- you Man, you! -- are just expressing a preference for slimmer girls who don't lie like a Clinton -- you're a fucking Nazi.

Naturally, she must share these experiences with all the other 500-lb Catfish wo do the EXACT SAME THING across multiple dating sites. There's even a shitload of internet chat groups and websites dedicated to this menace of Prevaricating Porkers, where Men who've managed to escape before someone ordered the entire right side of the menu trade notes and "waist-up" ancient photographs of these Meaty Mental Cases, like mug shots in a police station.

She hates them, too. Because they keep her from victimizing meeting other men. 

I think I've found a new source of entertainment.

The human race is doomed...And I love this guy's channel.


HMS Defiant said...

Best wishes for a successful failure to beat doctors. I hope whatever it is either benign or utterly harmless like our littoral combat ships. Nice post.

Matthew Noto said...

Thank you!

"littoral combat ships" = "super-expensive P.T. boats, and just as (in-)effective".

Bring back the frigates and get some of those long-endurance cutters (suitably modified) the Coast Guard uses for the close-in stuff.

Will249fyi said...

Mr Noto Your articles are so much of a joy to read . They give me a insane laughter . I sit an reason on write ups like this one and reminisce on times of of my own past of some of my own blunders . It's nice to review my mistakes with a bit of laughter now . Because your wit has allowed me to see things that never fathomed my perception in my dull minded youthful days . Thanks again . May you get well soon and your new death-star location be better than what the last neighborhood became .