It would appear as if the greatest existential threat that faces America does not come from North Korean nuclear weapons, the specter of Islamofascist terrorism, or even the phony horrors of a supposedly-overheated planet; rather, our Doom originates in the special brand of Industrial-Strength Fucking Stupid we have been churning out in assembly-line fashion for the last six decades.
When I finally achieve power over Space, Time, Matter and Energy, a lot of you are going to be contemplating a future in which you might end up as a desiccated, powdery substance I've sold off to the highest bidder for use as an additive to kitty litter.
Where to begin?
Senatorial candidates who are (allegedly) pedophiles. Senators who put themselves out as a champion of Wimmens Rightz who are accused of getting a little too familiar with Wimmenz who, on the one hand, feel the need to "speak out" about the predators who perpetrated a ghastly crime, and then, on the other, insist the brute should not be punished, because Abortion (then why say anything, except for attention, you stupid cow?).
A Congressional Hush Money Fund. The Left, in a fit of suddenly for-show-deep-pause-for-fake- reflection questions it's defense of Bill Clinton (but only after Hillary loses an election they all wanted her to win, and so can't retaliate, and only because you can't bash republicans as sex fiends when they can easily play the Bent Penis Trump Card (no pun intended) and shut you the fuck up every time).
Protests about flags and national anthems which ultimately neither hurt those giving offense, nor improve the lot of the offended. Communists in control of American cities where formerly-eradicated or controlled diseases run rampant as the Left that makes the phony Culturally-Relativist statement that "All Cultures Are Equally Valid" and backs that squishy sentiment up with strong (non-)action that basically allows the All Cultures (many here illegally) to shit in the streets of our major cities, emulating the culturally-valid hellholes of Mexico City, Soweto, Mumbai or Mogadishu,with all the Hepatitis A, measles, bedbugs, gang rape, street riots, mass shootings, and infected needle-lined avenues you could ever hope for.
Never mind "Russian interference" in American elections...we're doing a pretty good job of destroying ourselves, even if they did manage to conspire to somehow give Hillary three million more popular votes AND orchestrate her defeat in the Electoral College, simultaneously (it's shocking just how fucking dumb some of you are).
Primarily this is because Fucktard mysteriously became the Social Norm, The Cultural Ideal, the goal we should all aspire to, and no one seems to have noticed until now.
Which is the funny thing about Unchecked Stupid: eventually the bill for it must be paid, and when it arrives it comes as a complete shock to those who ran it up.
Let's start with the obvious Number One on the Hit Parade of Fucktard, the battle for the soul of America, as represented by an inbred redneck Bible-thumper with an affinity for little girls (allegedly).
After 3,500 years of the civilizing and uplifting influence of Western Culture, it is apparent that none of it has rubbed off on the people of Alabama. Oh, sure, the signs are all there: indoor plumbing finally arrived. People have internet connections and drive cars. They even have these new-fangled hospitals, and colleges, and cell phones there, and if you look hard enough you might find a dentist, but the oatmeal-like quality -- devoid of color, alternately soupy and lumpy -- of the average brain in those parts persists.
Case in point, Judge Roy Moore, current republican (but former democrat) candidate for Senate in the state where Forrest Gump might actually be a living, breathing person, if not the dominant species.
I'm going to assume that no one reading this lives under a rock, so it should not be necessary to recite the sordid tale of Roy's implied misadventures among the Training Bra Set, so I'm just going to write about the febrile quality of his defenders.
In my social media this week, I have heard or read permutations of the following arguments (usually misspelled, with appalling grammar, and a lot of "y'all"):
1. So what if Roy grabs little girls? He's a good Christian man, and this alone qualifies him to be elected to the Senate.
2. It was common in my junior high for the principal to grope little girls, and no one was harmed by it, so what's the big deal?
3. Ten Commandments! Ten Commandments!Ten Commandments!
4. Roy Moore is going to fix all the problems in America, because "Patriot".
5. Hypocrisy! Moore's character is being assassinated, with no evidence, while Bill Clinton got away with worse! (to my knowledge, Bill never manhandled a 14-year old, but never mind).
You get the point. Roy Moore is a hero to people who just a year ago would have been the first to (gleefully!) judge him and show up on his front lawn with torches and pitchforks, cursing him to Eternal Damnation in the Pit of Fire, on just the faintest whiff of a rumor about pedophilia, sans evidence; the same people are now foaming at the mouth to ensure that he gets elected to the Senate, and for what?
Because he's "famous" for defending a Ten Commandments monument the Commie Pinko douchebags wanted removed from a Courthouse? Because "this time it's different" as it's one of the self-identified religious bigot's own? Amazing how people can never recognize their own Hypocrisy! when it's staring them in the face. And then they'll always lay claim to be fighting for "principles".
I'm not sure when child molestation became a "principle we should fight for".
Of course, the main argument those who think this way use is that there is no credible evidence against Moore, and he's being judged guilty without the presumption of innocence, or the presentation of evidence, which is a fascinating mental construct intended to hide the great pool of Dumbfuck quicksand right at their feet.
Denial can be a pretty powerful thing.
This isn't a legal proceeding; it's politics. It's not a court of law, it's a court of public opinion, where evidence and truth and your Christian credentials don't matter (ask Mitt Romney), only perception does. Even if Roy Moore wins this election, he's finished. The allegations will dog him forever and no embrace of Scripture is going to turn him into this great juggernaut that will give him the influence or the gravitas to "fix everything that's wrong with America". It'll be even worse if it eventually turns out the accusations are true.
I wonder what the defenders would have to say then? I reckon I can guess, and most of it will be a lot of word vomit and hot air about how none of it would be God's fault, Roy having Free Will, and all that.
Besides, Roy Moore is simply one senator out of one hundred, Senators who, by and large, have very little to do with running the country. In fact, I would go as far as to say that few, if any, elected politicians have any control over any aspect of American Life, seeing as how they delegated that responsibility over a period of decades to an unelected, unaccountable, unfirable professional bureaucracy so that your Congresscritter or Senatorial Dickhead could have more time to posture, get drunk and chase skirts, engage in graft, and pretend to be something he isn't on Fox or (P)MSNBC....which is to say "important" and "informed".
Ten years ago Roy Moore would have been hounded out of the public square BY REPUBLICANS, many of whom would have identified as "good Christian Men", on even flimsier "evidence", and the fact that he hasn't been is indicative that two of the dumbest subsets of The American Population, usually diametrically-opposed, have managed to morph into the other.
The first being the religiously-minded, many of whom spend so much time consumed by the preparation for the Hereafter that they forget they still have to spend some time living in the here-and-now. This special breed of moron is more concerned that his religion should take precedence in American Society that he's even willing to overlook a little pederasty for one of his own.
This is the type of idiot who would scream bloody murder if the government were handing out condoms in kindergartens, but who would be quickly mollified if you told him the package they came in had passages from Leviticus printed on them.
But, hey, they believe in an invisible man in the Sky, so what else would you expect?
The Second is the hedonistic Leftard who has degraded standards of public behavior in the quest for free birth control and ObamaPhones to the point where politicians and public figures with a history of extraordinary sexual dysfunction and manias -- Bill Clinton, Harvey Weinstein, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, Ted Kennedy, and now we can add Al Franken to the list, among others -- are not predatory criminals committing unspeakable acts that would make a feminist vomit (but only when committed by men she doesn't like), but persecuted victims of a reactionary Right hung up on Sex.
The Left is now facing, in Roy Moore, a Frankenstein of it's own making. Having spent two decades defending the indefensible and turning the idea of traditional sexual mores on their collective head, the Left can scream "Pedophile!" all it wants, and the other side will respond with giving them a taste of their own medicine of dug-in heels and reflexive hard-headedness. The Clintonista response was based upon the formulation "Because Abortion"; the new battlecry of the intransigent mental patient is Because God.
You fucked up, Lefties. And all of your "outrage" (suddenly spurred by a recently-discovered moral imperative to protect children) aside, you really should be the last to talk...about anything, in general, but upon this subject in particular.
And this vein of American Stupid runs mighty deep and produces ore of high quality, as well, to judge by all the other shit happening in my newspaper and nightly newscasts, whether it's fascists running around in fascist-like-manner doing fascist-like things in the mistaken belief they aren't fascists, feminists who wail that the vagina is alternately the source of liberation or a tool of oppression; a fountain of life or a dry, musty and bothersome wasteland; the source of a great pleasure or a weapon to be used against The Patriarchy, that's when it isn't either an excuse to bestow unlimited power upon a woman, or something akin to a giant "RAPE ME!" sign hung around her neck.
The so-called "Millennials" run around judging everything they don't understand while pronouncing that judgment is a bad thing, and that the knowledge to understand is a deadly, racist, poison if it hurts their feelz. I would say the Millennials may be the second-worst generation to ever exist (The Baby Boomers are still World Champs), only they don't know it because no one was keeping score and everyone got a trophy, anyway.
A few overpaid street thugs who have a talent for catching footballs or wrestling other men to the ground -- in other words, no great intellects --wish to be gratuitously offensive in the name of "social justice" (I wonder: how many of them could spell "Social Justice" through the fog of ignorance and CTE?) and in the belief that such action will not cost them anything in terms of money and public standing, are confronted by another unique brand of dipshit who wraps himself in the flag, turns off his TV, and waxes emotional and poetic about a song he probably doesn't even know all the fucking words to. In the meantime, the only people being hurt are the poor schmucks who sell tickets and beer, who sweep up the stadium, or who ship NFL merchandise (made in China, because MAGA!) out of a warehouse in East Buttsex, Idaho, who is losing his job and his livelihood because there's no tickets to sell, no beer to dispense, no jerseys to ship.
And in the end, the NFL will survive because it's a $15 billion business with no competition, with a feeder system of willing meatbags coming out of colleges in an almost endless supply, and the "principled" shithead defending his flag and his retard will still have his Super Bowl Party, still bet surreptitiously in the office pool, and still play Fantasy football in his spare time. A system of "protest" about "social justice" met with a counter-protest designed to suck the money out of the NFL as the fastest means by which to change it's collective attitude will achieve neither, but hey...everyone got to virtue signal -- the for-nothing millionaire victim of racism about the inequality and unfairness of the society that gave him everything, and the tobacco-chewing, flannel-wearin', sister-fucking, it's-only-rape-if-she's-not-related, MAGA-hat set burnished their "Patriot" street cred.
(Next week, I'm going to talk about this "Patriot" phenomenon,and why it's a load of fucking horseshit, too).
If you lined them all up end-to-end and drilled holes into their heads you probably couldn't extract enough functioning brain matter in the whole mass to fill a thimble.
"We have met the enemy, and he is us" is the quip spoken by a famous cartoon character. It is fitting, indeed, that the sentiment should have originated in the Comic Strips, given the funny-papers level of commentary on most events in contemporary America.
I've said it before on this page and I shall repeat it: we grow Stupid on trees in this country; we cultivate it; I wouldn't doubt there's a secret government factory somewhere in the western deserts where they're turning out cretin at an industrial pace.
Sanity can only be returned, at this point, by drastic measures. My primary solution would be to just kill off the stupid (preferably by crushing under heavy stones, beating them to death with blunt instruments, or feeding them to starving wolverines) , but they might (anything is possible) notice such an attempt and get Maxine Waters and Clare McCaskill and Kirsten Gillibrand to introduce a bill in Congress classifying "retard" as an endangered species, and we'd have to stop and maybe even empty the camps where I would collect them prior to making Goat Chow out of them. So, unfortunately, it's Plan B.
And no, not the Morning-After-Pill Plan B, although it would be a useful adjunct. No, I would use Constitutional Conventions to repeal the three most-damaging amendments -- the 19th, 24th, and 26th, which gave the right to vote, respectively, to women, the professional poor, and children, and the argument I would make in favor of such a thing is that the current state of affairs demonstrates that none of them is smart or responsible enough to vote.
The proof is in the pudding inside Sheila Jackson-Lee's head. The evidence is walking around in the form of Chuck Schumer and Donald Trump. The definitive examples are all named "Kardashian".
I'd also modify the First Amendment with language that indicates that while it's all well and fine to have Freedom OF Religion, it necessarily follows that this establishes an opposite right to Freedom FROM Religion, and then I wouldn't have to spend to days arguing with total morons about the Senatorial prospects of an alleged pedophile being given a pass because of his faith in the same way Bill Clinton got a pass for his politics, while being lectured to by the same jerkoffs about "principles", "Godliness" and (this is rich) "Hypocrisy".
Edited: changed the Pogo quote, since I initially got it wrong. Sorry!
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