Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Douchebags of the Week (Week Ending 5/12/17): Two Late Night Comedians

There are two reasons why comedians usually don't enter politics. The first is that despite having a deep store of wit, they're typically not very smart. The second is that they're not very good at it (see: Al Franken).

This week we plumb the depths of television to single out two gentlemen who at one time commanded a grudging respect from your Overlord, but who have now shown themselves to be extraordinarily shallow people.

First, we will begin with Jimmy Kimmel, someone I found funny a very long time ago, but only when he was paired with someone demonstrably smarter than he is. Adam Corolla put Jimmy Kimmel on the map (The Man Show), and Ben Stein cemented his status as the sidekick, the goofy-but-lovable smartass at the back of the classroom who could make you laugh, but who probably attended high school on the Five-Year Plan and who was a perennial attendee at Summer school.

If comedians were dogs, Jimmy Kimmel would be an Irish Setter. For Irish Setters are the dumbest of all canines. While the Irish Setter is eager to please, and affords one hours of entertainment, it becomes painfully obvious that this beast has just enough intelligence to eat, shit, sleep and lick it's privates without hurting itself.

However, if you faked throwing a tennis ball, the stupid dog would spend the rest of the week looking for it.

Mr. Kimmel gave a heartfelt and deeply emotional commentary on ObamaCare this past week, referencing the experience of his newborn son, born with a congenital heart defect. Normally, your Overlord doesn't give a damn about people with some sort of serious malady, preferring that society let them die so as to be spared the expense of keeping them alive to be useless, but I have always made an exception to this rule when it comes to children. Children should be spared and saved whenever possible.

Mr. Kimmel tried to make the case that he could empathize with those who depend upon ObamaCare, for if he weren't Jimmy Kimmel, Late Night Comedian, his son would have been denied the life-saving treatment he received at one of the best hospitals in America on the basis that this defect would be classified as "a pre-existing condition". Somehow this was also intended to tar President Donald Trump as an uncaring, wicked individual who wants babies to die. Not only is Mr. Kimmel's attempt at slander a blatant lie (infants are never turned away from hospitals, neither is anyone who walks into an Emergency Room, even under Trump's version of ObamaCare, because they may not have insurance), it's also blatant bullshit because...he's Jimmy Kimmel.

Which means that Jimmy Kimmel, whatever you think of his comedic talents, is a millionaire. That is to say, that Jimmy Kimmel doesn't depend on government-provided insurance, and even if worst came to worst, could afford to pay for his son's surgery. In addition, the hospital in which the life-saving surgery took place (Cedar-Sinai) is almost a private club: it would not be available to ANYONE who had ObamaCare in the state of California, anyway.

Of course, Jimmy doesn't mention any of these things, because a) he's a douche, b) his intent was to make an emotional argument that didn't depend upon facts, and c) he's a fucking hypocrite because whether or not Trump's ObamaCareLite covered his son or not, he didn't need that coverage.

Again, Comedian...not Brain Surgeon.

The second Douchebag this week is one Stephen Colbert.

Let me say this about Colbert: he was funnier when he was imitating Bill O'Reilly. Stephen Colbert as Stephen Colbert is about as interesting as two-day-old oatmeal and about as funny as a broken clavicle. It worked, Stephen, because everyone understood it WASN'T YOU.

Colbert is only funny in context: as a foil to, or a lampoon of, something he isn't. Colbert being funny about who and what he is fails on so many levels.

Without going into the details because, frankly, he didn't say anything that millions of others weren't already thinking, his diatribe against the President of the United States' ended with Colbert describing Trump's mouth as Vladimir Putin's "Cock Holster".

Now, I'm all for a good gay joke, myself. And I don't mind saucy, even disgusting, language (have you read this stuff?), but it wasn't a joke. You could tell from the look on Colbert's face: that naughty glint in the eye was missing, that comedic spark had fizzled out, that sideways smirk that invites you into the joke was more of a sneer. The comment wasn't delivered as comedy: it was delivered as a vile indictment. There was an obvious hatred involved, and the hatred was based on a political bias that Colbert obviously feels right down to his own Cock Holster (tentatively identified as Jon Stewart's ass).

Stephen evidently thought he could get away with a smear disguised as a joke.

Repeat after me: Comedian...Not Rocket Scientist.

Now, my issue isn't with what they said: we have a First Amendment in this country, and though every liberal worth his pacifier would disagree with me on this point, if the First Amendment doesn't protect speech you dislike, disagree with, or find reprehensible, it would be useless. No, the problem I have is with the idea that you can complain -- as in the case of Kimmel, about things that don't affect you one iota, in the case of Colbert, with the intent to be gratuitously vicious -- but then afterwards you don't have to a) explain yourself, or b) offer an alternative to whatever it is you're complaining about, because...


Comedians believe they are granted some special protection because they call what they say "Comedy". That "we were only joking!" defense didn't work for Goering at Nuremberg, either, friends.

It has been a hallmark of the political left for 100 years now that "Leftist Speech" (if we may coin the term for the purposes of this argument) suffers from three basic and fundamental weaknesses which have affected the Modern left to such an extent, that it can no longer communicate except in terms of emotions -- sympathy, in Kimmel's case, shared fear and hatred, in Colbert's. The fundamental weaknesses are:

1) The Modern Leftard has an endless litany of complaints, but never any useful suggestion on how to address them. Except for some form of "gimme!". The Left, which used to be really good at persuasion is no longer capable of persuading anyone. It engages in extortion, most of the time.

2) Because the Leftard is incapable of offering a suggestion on how to address his pet peeve that doesn't begin and end in "gimme!", nor can she persuade others of the justification of her cause,  she is incapable of making reasonable arguments as to why a) it's a pet peeve, and b) why "gimme!" is the best solution.

3) Because the Leftard is incapable of expressing himself because a) he has only complaints, b) he has no useful suggestion to offer beyond "gimme!", and c) he is a creature of emotion, all that's left to him is more emotion. Sheer, unadulterated, over-the-top emotion. And when uber-emotion fails, frustration sets in, and he brings out his Big Guns.

Doupleplus, unhinged, emotion delivered with an even bigger dose of egregious emotion. If only you can be louder, more profane, and if possible, able to turn this rage into a shared experience with other frustrated Leftards who have lost the power of expression through words, except for four-letter ones, somehow, they believe, the inherent justice of their cause will make itself evident. Emotionally evident, of course, because otherwise they don't have the words to express why it's evident.

Orwell postulated a very long time ago that the reason WHY leftists usually turn out to be such mewling, self-centered, self-possessed, unprincipled douchebags is because in a society that recognizes and celebrates achievement, that applauds those who DO, that idolizes those who triumph through effort, skill, or intelligence...the Leftard finds himself marginalized and despised because he is typically not an achiever, not a doer, and certainly not very bright.

Yes, yes, I know, there ARE smart Libtards, but you could count them on the fingers of one hand.

Judged by the outcome of what the Libtard has created in the last 100 years, would you say that it was advanced, planned and executed by smart people? Or, considering the blasted heath that used to be America, would you come to the conclusion that what the Libtard hath wrought is really a deliberate exercise in revenge by people who have arrived at the painful conclusion that society finds them useless?

I'd like you to imagine that the Galactic Overlord threatened to destroy this planet next week, and that  the only hope you inferior beings had of survival was to sacrifice the Useless Mouths among you. Would you come to the conclusion that Comedians, Artists, Musicians, Actors and Authors were dispensable -- because what they do doesn't necessarily rise to the level of what Doctors, Farmers, Construction Workers do or add to society -- and send them to their deaths, knowing that the result would be a life and a society that was probably a lot duller, less-interesting, less-colorful, but that there would still be a life and a society left at the end of it?

I'm thinking a great many of you would consider them expendable.

And when it comes to Kimmel and Colbert, it's not like they actually DO or ADD. They have writers and producers and technicians who make what they present possible; they are merely a personality, a face on the television screen, It would make little difference if someone else was there, or if what they did was instead presented to you as a puppet show. The joke is the important part: the vessel not so much. This is the point that many "entertainers" miss: we don't necessarily like YOU; we just like THE JOKE. The personality is (mostly, see: Trevor Noah) an interchangeable part.

Kimmel earns Douchepoints this week because while torturing us with his heartstring-tugging diatribe he neglects to inform you that...none of it applied to him, personally. Ever. He has resources of his own and so does not depend upon government to fix his baby for him; his son had the surgery in an exclusive hospital that would not be available to those who do receive government-subsidized care, and that even if he didn't have resources of his own or access to an exclusive hospital, someone would still have made the attempt to save this baby's life.

While we tarnish Jimmy Kimmel with the epithet of "Douchebag" we hope that his son makes a complete recovery and lives a long, healthy and productive life...unlike his father, who does nothing of any actual lasting benefit to society. The Joke, once told, soon fades with age and passes into obscurity with the passage of time. The child did not ask to be born with a heart defect, nor did he ask to be born to a father with a single-digit IQ. We cannot hold the child responsible for the stupidity of the father.

Colbert earns his Legion du Douchebag for forgetting the cardinal rule of comedy: when it becomes intensely personal to you, it's no longer a joke.

Comedy works because it speaks to a universal human condition and experience, on some level. Politics not so much, And while the term "Cock Holster" gets a giggle from the Overlord, it's clear there's a double standard at play, for if I had used it to describe an act with the intention of having people laugh at both the image and homosexual overtones, I'd have a dozen faggots on my doorstep armed with torches and pitchforks (and a bottle of something breezy and delightful from the Napa Valley, because it's in poor taste to show up -- even to a lynching -- empty handed).

The hypocrisy is startling. And "because Comedian" is not an excuse. Nor is it a shield.

Normal people don't watch you for politics; they want jokes. People who do watch you for politics are probably dumber than our rhetorical Irish Setter.

There are few thing worse in life than these:

The Man of  Undeserved Stature who protests that he feels the pain of the Commoner from inside his air-conditioned palace with a full staff and hot-and-cold running caviar. There's a psychological term for this: Cognitive Dissonance.

The self-proclaimed Man of the People who suddenly reveals himself to be less-than-human, and who doesn't adhere to the standards he routinely sets for everyone else. There's a psychological term for this: Projection.

And yes, I'm well aware that both of those circumstances can describe the president, as well. The difference is that Trump at least went out AND DID SOMETHING instead of just complain about things.

By comparison, Colbert and Kimmel are all talk, and most of that comes from their asses.

Douchebag of the Week is a weekly feature that highlights the worst in human nature and behavior.