Douchebag of the Week (Week Ending 9/16/2023) -- A Twofer!

 "And what sort of lives do these people, who pose as being moral, lead themselves? My dear fellow, you forget that we are in the native land of the hypocrite." -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"

I haven't handed out a DOW award in quite some time. Mostly this is because there have only been two clear winners over the recent past, and (P)resident Biden would only be encouraged in his stupidity thinking he was being repeatedly rewarded for a job well done, and Kamala Harris would only try to suck on the statue.

But, thankfully, we have a stable of 'republicans' to occasionally break the leftist stranglehold on this coveted honor, the very highest achievement in the field of fucktard that one can ever hope to acquire, and when it comes to a certain type of astoundingly vile person who wraps themselves in the robes of the GOP, you can rest assured that the bestowal of this trophy is well-and-truly deserved.

It is the mark of Excellence in Douchebaggery.

And every so often the sheep-in-sheep's-clothing (no, that is NOT a mistake: it's an accurate description of spineless people playing a role they don't believe in) make things much easier and release their inner douche in unison, for all the world to see, and for all my readers to enjoy. For we have TWO winners, this week.

Let us begin with a former champion of Douchedom, a frequent target of my well-deserved vitriol over the years.

Willard "Mitt" Romney, the nominal 'conservative' 'republican' hole in the air from the beautiful-but-otherwise-uninteresting state of Utah has announced his retirement from elective politics.

Normally, this would be a time of rejoicing; parades would be organized, block parties thrown, the champagne corks popping and whizzing to-and-fro, but I can't work up the ambition to celebrate this event. 

If only because from where I'm sitting, quitting is the only thing that Mitt Romney was ever any good at.

According to the people who plastered this announcement of Mitt's coming retirement all over the news organs, Romney made some noise about clearing the way for 'a new generation of leadership in America', but that was such a thin screen that even a blind man could see through it. What has really happened is that Mitt may have finally gotten something right and took a look at the polls, heard the voices of those protesting the ossified gerontocracy now sucking, vampire-like, at the American Lifeblood, and decided that there was no way in Hell he was going to get re-elected.

So, he quit before he got humiliated at the polls.

And this is par for the course with the Mormon Moron:

He quit as Governor of Massachusetts and abandoned free-market principles when he developed the prototype of Obamacare.

He quit as a Presidential candidate when he selected Paul Ryan as a running mate under duress from the dumbfuck wing of the party instead of having the testicular fortitude to forge his own way to find a better candidate to support or even help carry him across the finish line.

He quit in the face of the corpulent and partisan Candy Crowley of CNN defending Barack Obama over the Benghazi terror attack.

He quit when Joe Biden turned his 'binders full of women' comment into a sexual politics bludgeon to beat Willard about the face and head with, and when Racist Joe even went as far as to intimate that a Romney administration would lead to the reintroduction of slavery in America.

He quit when the Press, always the enemy of truth, context and accuracy, pelted him with tales of his own high-school hijinx regarding bullying another kid. 

He quit when the absolute disaster that was Barack Obama all-but-accused Mitt Romney of killing a cancer-stricken woman. 

There was never any fight in the man. No pushback. Never any steel in his spine. Never any guts to display.

If Mitt Romney were an automobile, he'd have a five-speed transmission and four of them would be 'reverse'.

If Mitt Romney were a country, he'd be France.

It is difficult to choose which of the Gutless GOP Judases I've seen in my lifetime is worse, for this is a party that has celebrated the likes of John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and a slew of people named Bush, all of them not-very-bright, none of them interested in much more than what was expediently-necessary to get through today's news cycle, all of them trying to display a toughness -- in a political sense --  that none of them ever truly possessed.

None has had a positive impact, one could argue, on American Life.

But this may have changed with this new version of the Romney Retreat. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Willard and thanks for absolutely nothing. The extra four years of Barack Obama and his third term under the puppet Biden is the sum contribution of your efforts to American life; you could not take out the weakest American leader in all of American History and helped to pave the way for an even dumber, weaker, and less-mentally-acute idiot to sit in the White House.

Along the way, you displayed your own streak of Biden, and happened to be wrong on just about every major policy issue in the last 30 years.

Well, except for that Russia thing, but even then, Obama casually waved it away with his 'the 1980's want their foreign policy back' snark. For which you had no answer.

Maybe because that would have required fighting back.

Enjoy your sinecures on the boards of directors of all the corporations you aided in your time in office, you managerialist piece of shit.

When you finally shuffle off this mortal coil, I do hope that if there's a Mormon Hell (I think they call it 'Utah'?) I hope you have deluxe accommodations all lined up. With any luck, McCain is already there waiting for you so that you can both reminisce about being losers.

Our second winner is one Lauren Boebert, Congresscritter of Colorado, who proves that being a douche doesn't require that you actually be in the halls of Congress when you do it.

By now, we've all heard, read or seen the reports of Boebert carrying on like a drunken teenager in a theater.

Slutting it up in public is never a good look, Babe.

It's an especially bad look when one spends her time in front of television cameras spouting platitudes about 'values' and 'conservatism' and railing against 'the elites' who are ruining America.

But then again, the GOP has always had this penchant for finding the absolutely best, USDA Grade-A hypocrites to fly the flag, haven't they?

In case you live in a cave, I'll summarize the kerfuffle for you (events in no particular order):

About-to-be-divorced Lauren Boebert, frequent target of the deranged Left, is in a theater. One would think that after the last few years of republicans being physically hounded out of public spaces by unhinged leftists that it would pay to keep a low profile and just enjoy the show.

But no, that would be too easy...

Boebert, instead, chooses to vape inside the venue, which probably (in this day age what theater doesn't?) has strict rules about smoking/vaping indoors. Her vape spew annoys a pregnant woman sitting behind her, and said pregnant woman asks Boebert to stop doing it. Instead of having some consideration and perhaps obeying the rules regarding said vaping, Boebert has to get all hostile with said pregnant woman.

In the meantime, her date, identified as a democrat who owns several LGBT bars where drag shows are common, decides that being in a public space is as good a time as any to start groping the good Congresslady, and she returns the favor by (allegedly) stroking his bathing-suit-area...in public. I'm guessing it would have been difficult to give him a proper dry hump in that skin-tight whore's dress she was wearing?

When asked to stop her public vaping and heavy petting session, Boebert goes all Karen on everyone, acting very much like the 'elitists' she's always on about, even pulling out the 'do you know who I am?' and 'I'll report you!' cards before being escorted out of the theater.

Naturally, because we live in a surveillance state, the whole thing is caught on camera. Naturally, because the press will go to any lengths to run a story about a republican hypocrite, there's probably five hundred stories about horrific rape/murders committed by illegal aliens pushed off the front page in favor of Boebert's adolescent behavior.

Because 'narrative' that republicans are hypocrites and because Boerbert is hotter than AOC (the Left is really just 'Mean Girls' playing out in real life), and thus, especially on the left's radar.

And, naturally, because GOP dumbfuck wing, Boebert's excuse two days later for her behavior is that she's just 'eccentric', and therefore, no one really understands her.

No, Lauren Darlin', we understand quite well. It is YOU who have missed the bus on this one.

Let me put it you this way:

There is nothing less-attractive than a middle-aged woman pretending to be a teenager. It gets even less-appealing when said overgrown teenager then attempts to excuse or avoid the consequences of her bad behavior by making an appeal to her exalted position (thankfully, not 'missionary', in this case. That came later on, after the doggie style and teabagging, I'm sure). It is behavior that does not befit a United States Congressperson; it is behavior that does not speak well of a mother who often extolls the virtues of 'family values'; it does not inspire confidence in the general public that someone with such a serious responsibility is, in fact, a serious person.

The circumstances become worse when you fail to display some of that decorum you continuously accuse The Other Side (rightfully) of lacking (apparently, that won't stop you from dating one of them, will it?).

The hole is dug deeper when, instead of owning your bad behavior and adopting the proper sense of contrition, you blame other people's 'misunderstanding' for the whole thing. It gets incredibly tiresome to keep hearing this nonsense when everyone with a functioning brainstem KNOWS IT'S ALL BEEN CAPTURED ON VIDEO and your 'explanations' all fall short when measured against the evidence.

That only proves that, maybe, you really are an overgrown teenager. Because that's the sort of response one gets from a 15-year-old that's been caught red-handed in the liquor cabinet, with the keys to Daddy's wrecked BMW in her pocket.

Douchebaggery at it's finest.

I would love to give you your award in person, Lauren Boebert, for two reasons:

1. The Overlord finds you smokin' hawt, and he does, indeed, make passes at girls who wear glasses. And now that I have video evidence of how easy you are and what low standards you possess, you'd be another notch on the bedpost, for sure.

2. We've all just seen -- and learned about -- who you're sleeping with, and a super-sized douche is probably appropriate and necessary right about now.